


For Forever

by klaineandblazers



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-03-01 21:14:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13303356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klaineandblazers/pseuds/klaineandblazers
Summary: A story of two boys growing up and realizing what's always been right in front of them.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is a story that I've been posting to fanfiction.net, but I've decided to post it here as well. Niff is such a little-known ship, I figured I'd try to expand in case there's anyone else out there that's looking for it. This story spans Nick and Jeff's lives from middle school through highschool at Dalton, because I'm bitter there was never any spinoff of Glee about the Warblers. Also, I've written a lot of this story already, so I'm going to be uploading a lot at once, but it is still a work in progress. So enjoy (:

“Straighten your tie, Nicholas. You’re getting too old for me to have to tell you that.”   
Nick Duval turned from his mother, looking in the mirror and straightening his tie like she’d asked. He started fifth grade today. It was a pretty big deal, because now he was in middle school. And now his uniform had a tie. His elementary school uniform had just been a T-shirt with the school’s logo. “Better?”  
His mother nodded, looking at their reflection in the mirror and smiling a little. “You look very handsome, Nicholas. Although I wish you would let me take you for a haircut… next weekend, maybe.”   
Nick’s smile fell a little, and he touched his hair self consciously. He hoped it didn’t look too long, or just bad in general. “Can you help me fix-”  
Her phone rang then, interrupting him, and she held up a finger, answering and walking out of the room. Nick knew better than to try to get her attention while she was on the phone. He gave himself a final glance in the mirror, brushing his fringe off his forehead. First day of middle school. He should make a good first impression, his parents always talked about that. His mother wasn’t off the phone when Nick left for school, so he left without saying goodbye. His father was already at work, he left super early every morning because he had really important things to do. Nick knew they were important because his dad had to wear a suit and tie to work everyday and he had a really shiny car that Nick wasn’t allowed to touch.   
Nick reached the bus stop and sat down on the bench, crossing his legs and folding his hands in his lap. He wanted to fidget with his hair again, but he knew if his mother were here she would scold him for it.   
“Hey Duval.”   
Nick turned at the sound of his name, seeing the boy who lived down the street walk up to meet him. He always thought it was funny that he called Nick by his last name, nobody else did that. “Hi Jeff.”  
Jeff sat next to him, a really big smile on and his tie too loose. “Middle school. Are you ready?”   
Nick shrugged. “I guess so. We won’t know until we get there.”   
Jeff laughed, and brushed his blonde hair out of his eyes. Jeff had long hair and it looked fine. Maybe Nick didn’t need a haircut. “Yeah, maybe. Except school is boring, duh.”  
“It is not, we get to learn a lot of stuff.” Nick corrected him. He didn’t think Jeff’s parents reminded him that school was really important.   
“I can learn a lot of stuff in other ways.” They stood as the bus came, and Nick supposed he couldn’t argue with that. They went their separate ways, Jeff sitting with some friends from his soccer team and Nick sitting by himself and opening a book to read. It was hard to focus on it with his nerves, but he kept telling himself he had nothing to worry about. New school. First impressions. Getting a haircut. Only a few things to worry about.

-

Middle school, as it turns out, was really difficult. Nick had homework all the time now, and he was having trouble finding a group to fit into. Everyone seemed to already have their own friend groups. It was discouraging, but Nick could handle being alone. A few weeks into fifth grade, he’d pretty much accepted he would just be by himself. It was fine. He’d just adapt to it.   
That’s what his family kept saying, at least. And his older brother called him to wish him luck on his first day. Nick didn’t want to tell him that he was a few weeks late, because his mother said Michael was ‘trying’. But he lived far away and it was hard for him to keep track of stuff that wasn’t really important.   
Middle school wasn’t really important.  
It was more of the same everyday. Ride the bus, sit in class, do the homework, go to bed. He told Jeff that at the bus stop one day in the fall.   
Jeff laughed, shaking his head. “Then do some other stuff.”  
“Like what?”   
He shrugged, busy looking for spots in the trees where the leaves already changed. “I dunno. A sport. An instrument. Hanging out with your friends.”   
Nick watched him from the bench. “I don’t have friends.”  
“Bullshit.” Jeff smiled. “We’re friends.”   
He almost said, ‘We are?’, but stopped himself. It would’ve been rude. Instead, he said, “Good.”  
“Good.” Jeff handed him a leaf, one that had already changed colors and fallen. “First one.” It was a yellow, misshapen one.   
Nick couldn’t see any other changed leaves, Jeff was right. “When it turns a color like this, it means it died.”   
Jeff laughed. “It’s still pretty. Yellow is the best.”   
The way that Jeff said it made Nick trust him. Yellow was pretty. He liked that Jeff liked it. He pocketed the leaf, careful not to bend or tear it. When the bus came, Jeff squished in beside Nick in the seat and put in a pair of headphones.   
Nick turned his attention out the window and smiled a little. Jeff was his friend. He liked that. 

-

The absolute worst part about fifth grade was other fifth graders. Nick didn’t understand them at all. All the girls were mean. All the boys were mean. And lunch was a war zone.   
He took his usual seat at an empty table, putting his lunch out and trying to find his place in his book. It was April, he’d done this all year. But for some reason today, the other kids wanted to fight with him about it.  
“Why do you always sit by yourself?”   
Nick looked up, seeing a kid he recognized as Ryan. Ryan pushed kids into lockers. He wasn’t alone, he had four other kids behind him. They also pushed kids into lockers. “I like it.”  
Ryan laughed, everyone else laughing instantly. “It’s because you don’t have any friends!” Nick was silent. It’s not like he could argue. “You’re such a loser. I bet no one wants to be friends with you because you never talk.”  
Nick swallowed, trying to keep tears at bay. It was useless to cry over being made fun of, it wouldn’t change anything. “Look, he’s gonna cry!” One of the other boys piped up, and his group thought this was hilarious.  
“Go on, cry about it.” Ryan taunted, but was suddenly cut short.  
“What’s going on?” It was Jeff, having pushed through the students to get to them.   
Ryan smirked. “Duval is about to cry.”   
Jeff looked to Nick, taking a deep breath. Nick blinked the tears back. “Nick, come sit with me.” Jeff said, giving him a half sort of smile. It looked like he was angry and trying to cover it up.  
Nick nodded, standing and taking his lunch, avoiding eye contact with Ryan. “Still have nothing to say?” Ryan pressed, and Jeff stepped forward to say something to him, but Nick spoke first.  
“You’re the loser. You only have friends because they’re scared to say no to you.” He said, his words coming out a bit fast, but still clear. Ryan looked taken aback, blinking at him. “I’d rather sit alone everyday than sit with people like you.”  
Jeff’s usual grin was back, and Nick cracked his own smile when Jeff flipped Ryan off. Ryan was the one speechless this time, and Jeff led Nick back through the cafeteria to his table. “Man, did you see his face? That was priceless. He was totally shocked!”   
Nick laughed, blushing as he took a seat at Jeff’s table, which was filled with other kids that played the sports Jeff did. They all greeted him and made room for him to sit. “Thanks for letting me sit here.”  
Jeff slapped Nick on the back, smile still wide. “You should’ve punched him, that would’ve been hilarious! Guys, did you hear what Nick just did?”  
Jeff recounted the story, embellishing with his own details, acting out Ryan’s facial expressions and grabbing Nick’s arm when he told his favorite part. Jeff had been right, he really did consider Nick a friend. And for the rest of the year, it continued. He had a group to sit with. He had Jeff. And even though he didn’t mind being alone, having a friend was much better. Being with Jeff was much better.


	2. Chapter Two

“You suck at these games, all of them.” Jeff grinned, leaning forward with his controller, face almost less than a foot from the tv screen.   
Nick pushed his shoulder, staring more intensely at the current video game they were playing. “I do not! You just have more practice.” There were about six other games stacked by the tv, Jeff always brought them over and they headed up to the top floor of the house to play, where no one bothered them.   
They were in sixth grade now, and hung out daily. They were best friends, and did everything together. Nick felt lucky that he had a best friend. “No practice, just skill.” Jeff snorted, then paused the game, flopping back on the couch. “I’m exhausted.”  
“From Call of Duty?” Nick teased.   
“No, that’s effortless.” Jeff smiled. “School was so long though. I’m dead. I want to sleep.”   
Nick shook his head. “No napping, I’ll be bored.”  
“I didn’t get any sleep last night.” Jeff protested, yawning loudly. “My parents never stop screaming at eachother.”  
He frowned, fiddling with his controller. “Why?”  
Jeff only shrugged, looking at the ceiling. “I dunno.”   
He’d only met Jeff’s mom before. She seemed nice. But they usually came to Nick’s house, because his parents weren’t home so they could turn the TV up loud. Plus, Nick had a better game console. “Well, they shouldn’t fight like that when you’re around.” Nick said softly, and Jeff sat up.   
“Yeah. Hey, what time is it?”   
He glanced at the clock. “8:23.”   
Jeff got up quickly. “I had to be back at 8.” He discarded his controller on the floor, Nick laughing.   
“You know if you unpause the game I’ll win.”   
“No way.” Jeff responded, quickly grabbing his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder. “Bye.”  
Nick frowned at how abruptly he was leaving. “Bye-”  
But Jeff was already gone, his footsteps quick on the stairs. Nick powered off the game console and went downstairs later, heading into his room on the second floor. Maybe Jeff’s parents were really strict about curfews. Or maybe he didn’t feel good. He pushed it from his mind. He’d ask Jeff about it tomorrow. 

-

Jeff wasn’t in school the next day. Nick thought maybe he missed the bus, but he didn’t come in later either. He must be sick, it was probably why he left last night. But still, he was a little worried. So on the way home from school, Nick stopped at Jeff’s house and knocked.  
There was silence, then the sound of one of Jeff’s little brothers crying. He waited a minute, then leaned to see if he could look through the window. But the door opened before he could look, and Jeff was there. With a split lip.  
“What happened?”   
Jeff smiled, but it looked funny with the swollen lip. “Hello to you, too.”  
“Hi. What happened?” He repeated, a million things going through his head. What caused it? Why was he home? When did it happen?   
“Tripped.” Jeff shrugged. “It doesn’t even hurt.” He seemed casual. It must not be that bad, then.   
“Is it why you stayed home today?” He asked, Jeff scratching his head.   
“Uh, yeah. Well, I don’t really feel good.”   
Nick studied him. He looked fine. “Oh.” They both stared at eachother. “Well, feel better.”   
Jeff nodded. “You got it. Why did you come over?”  
“To see if you were okay.”   
His friend raised his eyebrows. “Really?”  
Nick laughed, crossing his arms. “Yeah.”  
Jeff’s smile got a little bigger, his lip still a little distorted. “Thanks.”   
“No problem.” He blushed for some reason. Jeff always made eye contact with everyone, Nick was the opposite. “Will you be in school tomorrow?”  
Jeff nodded, then turned his head as someone called him from inside the house. It sounded like what must be his father. “I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jeff stepped back in, but then back out quickly, wrapping his arms around Nick briefly and hugging him close. Nick didn’t even have a chance to say anything before Jeff disappeared back into his house.  
Nick was left staring at the door, surprised. He hadn’t been expecting that. He gathered himself and stepped off Jeff’s porch, walking to his own house. He hoped Jeff recovered from whatever he was sick with quickly. Being home alone wasn’t fun like hanging out with Jeff was.

-  
Nick stopped keeping track of Jeff’s absences some time after the first ones. It was nearly summer break now. 

To: Jeff 3:17 PM  
I just got back from school, why were you absent again?

To: Nick 4:32 PM  
still sick ): did i miss anything in class?

To: Jeff 4:33 PM  
No, we’re two weeks from the end of sixth grade, the teachers have given up haha

To: Nick 4:39 PM  
haha good

Nick fiddled with his phone. Whenever Jeff was absent one day, he was gone for at least a week. He must have missed a month of school when added altogether. And he never let Nick come over when he was sick. Maybe it was selfish, but he wished Jeff would let him come over anyways. Nick was lonely and his house seemed way bigger and emptier without Jeff being there. After a few minutes of thinking about it, he texted again.

To: Jeff 4:43 PM  
I’m gonna stop at your house and tell you a funny story you missed in class today

To: Nick 4:43 PM  
call me and tell me instead (:

To: Jeff 4:45 PM  
It’s way better in person

To: Nick 4:50 PM  
i dont wanna get u sick

To: Jeff 4:51 PM  
It’s been 48 hours so youre not contagious anymore

To: Nick 4:51 PM  
i might be

To: Jeff 4:53  
Well I don’t care, I’m coming over anyways, Ill take medicine after haha

To: Nick 4:54  
dont come over nick

To: Jeff 4:54 PM  
Why? Youre making me worried

To: Nick 4:55 PM  
just dont come over, i just dont want you to okay

Nick stared at his phone screen, reading Jeff’s text a couple times. He read their conversation to see what he did to make Jeff upset. Were they not friends anymore? He shut his phone off without texting back. Jeff hated him. Jeff never wanted to hang out with him again.   
He took five minutes to pity himself and feel sad. Then he got up and pocketed his phone, heading downstairs. The more he thought about it, the more confused he was. Best friends didn’t do this to eachother. He wouldn’t let Jeff do this to him. Just like when he stood up to Ryan, he wouldn’t let himself get pushed around anymore. Without entirely thinking it through, Nick left his house, jogging down the street to Jeff’s house. He didn’t really know what he would say. Maybe he’d ask why Jeff never wanted to hang out anymore. Maybe he’d tell Jeff that he was his closest friend and it hurt when your best friend told you they didn’t want to see you.   
He reached Jeff’s house and knocked on the door a little harder than he intended to. After a minute, Jeff’s younger brother answered the door. “Where’s Jeff?” Nick asked quickly. His brother pointed up the stairs.  
Nick breezed into the house and up the stairs, then took a second to brace himself outside Jeff’s door. Just do it. He opened Jeff’s door and entered. “Be honest if you don’t like me anymore.” Jeff looked up from his desk in surprise, and Nick’s mouth fell open. Jeff had a black eye, deep purple by his nose and a greenish color around the edges. “Oh my God.”  
Jeff stood from his desk chair as if he could go hide somewhere. “Shh.”  
“What happened?” He asked, and Jeff shushed him again.  
“I said not to come.” He looked scared.  
Nick shook his head. “Jeff, who did that?”  
Jeff stared at him, shifting uneasily. “Nobody.”  
“Who did it?” He repeated, stepping closer. Why was Jeff lying to him? What was going on?  
Jeff stepped back, looking away. “My dad.”  
“What?” He’d assumed it had been a bully. Not his own dad. “Your dad hit you?”  
Jeff quickly put his hand over Nick’s mouth. “Be quiet, he’s here.” He dropped his hand, glancing to the door, waiting for his dad to come in. But he didn’t. “Yeah. But it was my fault.”   
“What did you do that deserved that?” Nick made a face, crossing his arms.  
“I was an idiot. I was helping with dinner and I messed it up. It was my fault.” Jeff repeated.  
“Stop saying that.” Nick tried to look at the bruise closer, but Jeff stepped back again.   
“It’s true.”   
“No, it isn’t.” Nick protested. He wished he could meet Jeff’s dad so he could punch the guy and see how he liked it. “Does your mom know?”  
Jeff shrugged, but after a moment, nodded. “Yeah.”  
“What does she do about it?”   
“What is she supposed to do?” Jeff said defensively. “I was the one that messed it up. I don’t want her to get hurt too. It was my fau-”  
“Stop it!” Nick said, exasperated and upset and confused and too many other emotions to name. Jeff turned away, touching his bruise gingerly. Nick took a calming breath. “You need to tell someone.”  
“Who?”  
He swallowed. “I- I don’t know. Someone at school.”  
“You’re making it into a bigger deal than it is.” Jeff shoved his hands into his pockets. “It barely ever happens anyways, it’s not like, all the time.”  
Suddenly, Nick remembered the split lip. And all the times Jeff had stayed home from school. He wasn’t sick. “Jeff-”  
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Please.” Jeff made that eye contact with him that he usually did, but it was different now. “Please.”  
Nick finally nodded, fidgeting with his hands. “Okay.”  
They kept looking at eachother, but Nick didn’t know what else to say. So he hugged him instead. Jeff hugged back instantly, squeezing him tightly. And then Jeff’s shoulders were shaking, and Nick held him tighter to still them. He had to do something. He would do something. And for now, he would hug him until he felt okay again. 

-

It happened fast. A lot did. Sixth grade ended. Jeff’s parents divorced. And then Jeff and his mother and his two younger brothers moved away. It was only the next town over, but it felt like they lived a million miles from Nick. He missed the freedom of seeing him whenever he wanted to. He quickly found out that it was a twenty minute bike ride to Jeff’s new house, and he rode there almost everyday over the summer.   
“You’re late.” Jeff grinned when Nick arrived, hopping off his bike and fanning himself.   
“By three minutes! You’re not the one getting this much cardio on the daily.” He laughed, leaning his bike against Jeff’s fence and joining him on the front steps, a little more shaded from the sun. His new house was small, really small, but Nick loved it. It was yellow. Nick wondered if Jeff remembered the yellow leaf, if he still thought yellow was the best.   
“You’ll be super buff for seventh grade.” Jeff teased, passing him his soda. He pressed it to his forehead gratefully, then took a sip before handing it back.  
“Do you think that will make it more tolerable?”   
“No.” Jeff tipped the rest of the drink back and swallowed, smiling as he crushed the can.   
Nick laughed, leaning back on his hands. They didn’t talk about last month much. One day, soon after Nick had found out about Jeff’s father, Jeff had called him. He’d said he was sorry for lying to him, and for keeping it a secret. He said his mother was divorcing his dad, because she just wanted Jeff to be happy and safe. Nick had listened to him cry on the phone for a long time, then went to his house to hug him while he cried more, a mixture of sad and happy tears. The next weeks after that were crazy, and he went the month without seeing Jeff much at all, as he watched Jeff’s house get packed up in boxes and moved in the UHaul.   
Jeff rarely came to Nick’s house anymore, they’d both rather be here. Where Jeff’s mom was warm and everything was inviting and a little hectic in a good way. Nick’s house wasn’t like that at all. If Jeff’s house was warm, Nick’s was cold, all closed doors and quiet. Nick plucked a dandelion from the ground and spun it between his fingers. “My mom invited you over for Sunday brunch tomorrow, but you can only come if you wear a tie.”   
Jeff scoffed. “I will never willingly put on a tie. Not even for you, Duval.”   
He’d expected that. “There’s gonna be lots of food, though.”  
“And lots of adults that are gonna tell me to straighten my tie and cut my hair.” Jeff countered. Nick remembered his mother saying those exact things. So he really couldn’t argue.  
“I’ll be there.” Nick stated the obvious, but hoped it would change Jeff’s mind anyways.   
“True.” Jeff blew out his breath, thinking. “Nope, sorry. Still gonna have to pass on the visit to the Duval Museum.” Jeff had dubbed it that the first time he came over and noted that everything from the decor to the paint color reminded him of a museum, and had asked if he was allowed to use flash photography indoors.  
“I tried.” He shrugged, picking petals off the flower and dropping them on the bottom step by his feet.  
“Does she love you, does she love you not?” Jeff smiled, reaching over and pulling a petal off.   
“Probably not.”   
“Ooh, have a girl in mind?” Jeff wiggled his eyebrows.   
Nick shook his head. “Nope.” Jeff talked about girls all the time. Nick didn’t really get it. He knew he’d start understanding once he found a girl he liked, but right now, he just didn’t have any interest. He liked just sticking with his friends and with Jeff.   
“Well, I love you.” Nick looked to him with eyebrows raised, and Jeff held up his petal and let it flutter away. “I love you not.” He teased, and Nick rolled his eyes, pulling off a petal.  
“I hate you.”  
“That’s not how this works!” Jeff laughed, pulling the dandelion away from him. “You hate me not.”  
They got to the last petal, grappling back and forth, until Nick picked it. “I guess I hate you not.”   
“Victory.” Jeff smiled, tossing the stem high.   
They sat on the steps until it started getting dark out, and then Nick biked home. He really didn’t want the summer to end. Right now, everything was perfect. What if seventh grade wasn’t?


	3. Chapter Three

“Please try out for the soccer team. Please. Please? Please!” Jeff had been at it for almost an hour, badgering Nick to join everything he was involved in. Which was a lot. When seventh grade started, Jeff continued on the soccer team, as well as starting choir and drama club. Nick hadn’t even known Jeff was interested in those things.  
“I’m bad at soccer.” Nick shook his head, eating his lunch and looking around the cafeteria. It didn’t feel much different than sixth grade. Jeff was a little different, though. He was taller, taller than Nick now, which Jeff loved. And he had these newfound passions for dancing and singing and acting, which he also begged Nick to do.   
“So? You’ll get better at it when you start playing.” Jeff stole one of Nick’s chips and ate it. “Then join choir. I’ve heard you sing before, you’re good!”  
Nick swatted Jeff’s hand away. “Not good enough for choir.”  
Jeff groaned. “Why are you so hard on yourself? Just do it for fun! It doesn’t matter if you’re good or bad.”   
Nick wanted to protest again, but Jeff was giving him that look. That look that was too hopeful to say no to. “Fine. Choir. But that’s it.”  
Jeff cheered, drawing the attention of a few neighboring tables. “Yay! You’ll love it, I promise.”   
Nick laughed, sighing. “We’ll see.” They finished eating, and Nick’s thoughts drifted. His parents wouldn’t like him in choir. They wouldn’t want to drive him to meetings or anything. They probably wouldn’t even go to performances or-  
“Hey, stop.”   
Nick broke from his thoughts, seeing Jeff looking at him. “What?”  
“Stop overthinking.” He squeezed Nick’s arm. “It’s gonna be fun. And my mom already drives me home from it, she’ll drive you, too.”  
Somehow, Jeff knew exactly what he was thinking. “Thanks.” He said softly, gratefully.  
Jeff smiled, getting up as the bell rang and tossing their trays. “Sure. I’ll see you after school.”   
Nick waved as they parted ways, feeling a little more optimistic. Jeff was right, don’t overthink. Everything would be fine, it was gonna be fun. He did his best to absorb Jeff’s optimism and headed to class. 

-

Choir turned out to be the best part of Nick’s day. He looked forward to it now, and wished it was more than three times a week. The teacher was super nice, and he fit in with the group right away, which was rare. And he got solos. A lot. His teacher thought he was really good. That made him want to be even better.   
“Let’s skip rehearsal today, I got a new videogame and it’s so sick.” Jeff said, walking alongside him to the choir room.  
“No, I want to go, I think we’re sounding really good.” Nick laughed. “Practice makes perfect, right?”  
Jeff groaned. “For once in your life, be a slacker!”  
Nick laughed, bumping Jeff’s shoulder. “Never.”   
They entered the room together, greeting the other kids that had already arrived. Rehearsals started quickly, and although Jeff had previously been complaining, he put his all into it anyways.   
“Great job, everyone.” Their teacher smiled, clapping when they finished their song. She patted Nick on the back. “I can tell you’ve been working on your solo, hard work pays off.” She high-fived him, and his heart swelled. He never heard things like that. He turned to tell Jeff, but he was talking to someone else. Her name was Sadie, Jeff talked to her a lot. Nick didn’t really like her, he didn’t understand why Jeff talked to her at all.   
“Hey, your mom is probably waiting.” Nick said to Jeff, smiling at Sadie briefly.  
“You can go ahead, I’ll be right there.” Jeff nodded, barely looking away from her.   
Nick nodded, leaving the choir room and shaking his head. Whatever. Sadie wasn’t that great. He got in Jeff’s car, huffing out a breath.  
“Everything okay, lovebug?” Ms. Sterling turned from her spot in the drivers seat, raising her eyebrows at the sound of Nick’s sigh. She insisted Nick call her Amy.   
“Yes.” He said reflexively. But then he looked at her. “I just don’t get it. All the boys in my grade are obsessed with girls.”   
Amy smiled softly. “That’s because they’re just discovering them.” She laughed. “You’ve always been more grown up, though.”   
Nick shrugged. “I guess. But still. I think Jeff likes this girl in our choir.”   
“Is she nice?”  
“She’s not a good singer. And she talks a lot.” He quieted, feeling guilty. He realized that she was pretty nice. But he still didn’t like her, and couldn’t figure out why. “She’s nice, it seems like. Jeff only makes friends with people that are nice.”  
Amy smiled, looking out the window as Jeff came out of the school. “You two will still be best friends, no matter what.”   
“I know.” He played with his hands. “Thank you.” He said quickly, before Jeff got in. Talking to his own mother about this stuff was hard. But Amy listened, and she didn’t treat him like a kid that needed direction.   
Amy smiled at him in the rearview mirror. “Anytime, Nick.”  
Jeff got in the passenger side, closing the door and turning the radio on instantly. “Hey mom.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek quickly. That always made Nick smile. Not a lot of boys did that.   
“Hi, sweetie. Nick tells me you’ve made a new friend.” Amy smiled, pulling out of the school’s lot.  
“Well, yeah. Sadie.” Jeff smiled. It looked like he was blushing too. Yeah, Nick really didn’t understand. As Jeff chattered on to his mother about Sadie, Nick sank in his seat and looked out the window. He wished he could start getting it, and seeing what all the other boys saw. He felt left out. And this couldn’t be normal, why didn’t he work like the rest of them? Maybe he had to take initiative, not wait to feel something. Really, he had no idea how this was supposed to work. But he’d do it. He just wanted to fit in.   
The Sterlings dropped Nick off at his house, and he trudged inside, dropping his bag by the door even though he knew he wasn’t supposed to, and going into the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and took a deep breath. His father always said to take the bull by the horns. So he forced himself to smile, then texted a girl from his class about the current lesson, and asked if she would tutor him. He didn’t need any help, but it was all he could think of. Maybe he’d like her like Jeff liked Sadie.   
He got into bed that night and stared at his ceiling. “Come on, Nick. Stop being like this. Just like her.” He muttered. He let the words hang in the air, then shut off his lamp and closed his eyes tight. He wouldn’t be an outcast again. 

-

“I didn’t think you needed tutoring in science, you’re usually the only one that answers the questions.”   
Nick laughed a little, sitting with her at the library table. Her name was Cara, she was pretty good at science too. And she had a nice smile. “I don’t know, this lesson has been a little tougher to understand.”   
She nodded, opening her textbook to their current unit. “Yeah, it does get a little confusing.”   
Nick nodded, scanning the textbook pages. It was actually pretty easy. But he sat with her for an hour, letting her explain the topics and watching her draw diagrams in the margins. He glanced at the clock. “We should probably get ready to go. My mom doesn’t want me to be late.” She was probably going to be late picking him up from the school anyways, but Cara didn’t need to know that.  
“Oh, sure. Did I help at all?” She smiled.   
Nick copied her smile. No, she didn’t help, he was still just as confused. Just not about science. “Yeah, thanks. Maybe we could make this a regular thing. Doing homework together.” He ventured, and Cara nodded.  
“I would like that.”   
“Good.” He stood, picking up his bag. “Great. I’ll see you in class.” He waved, leaving and taking a deep breath. He liked her. But not the way he wanted to like her. He got in his mother’s car, buckling his seatbelt. “Thanks for picking me up.”  
She smiled, leaning over to adjust his lapels. “I’m proud of you for getting the tutoring. Staying on top of your studies is very important. You’ll want to be top of your class someday, like Michael was.”  
Nick nodded, turning on the radio to the station he and Jeff usually listened to. “Right.”  
His mom turned the volume down low. “Your father and I were talking, you should join a sport. It’s important to be well-rounded, something athletic will be good for you. You’ll learn team skills, leadership qualities.”  
Nick fiddled with the automatic lock on his door. “I don’t know. I already have choir. And I’m not really interested in any sport.”  
“Well, choir can be something on the side, but it won’t benefit you the way that a sport will. I’m not saying you have to do it, but it’s something to think about.” She shrugged.  
Nick sighed under his breath. Something to think about almost always translated to something he had to do. “Okay, I’ll think about it.”  
“Perfect.” She was back to smiling, and they reached home a while later, Nick getting out of the car and heading inside to his room. He took out his phone and quickly texted Jeff.

To: Jeff 4:38 PM  
Let’s hang out, I can bring COD.

To: Nick 4:40 PM  
my xbox is broken ):

To: Jeff 4:43 PM  
Let’s hang out anyways

To: Nick 4:46 PM  
ugh fine, i guess   
To Nick 4:47 PM  
btw that was sarcasm, come over!

Nick laughed, leaving the house and grabbing his bike. Maybe he’d do a sport with him next season, it would give them an excuse to hang out when it started getting too cold to bike there. It was already getting sort of cold, it was late October. But he didn’t mind, he wore gloves and it wasn’t that bad. It was definitely worth it.  
He reached Jeff’s in record time, leaning his bike against the house and hurrying inside, where it was warm.   
“16 minutes, you’re slacking.”  
Nick pushed Jeff’s shoulder, rolling his eyes. “That’s nearly my fastest time!”  
“Your fastest time was 15:33.” Jeff pointed to the chart on the fridge. They’d been keeping track for a while, just to see if Nick could beat his own times. He was too competitive to not strive to go faster every trip.  
“Well, it was cold out today.” Nick laughed, kicking off his shoes. He hadn’t even changed out of his uniform before he came over, Jeff was in sweatpants and one of their elementary school tees, that miraculously still fit despite his growth spurt.   
“No excuses.” Jeff tossed him a soda and jumped onto the couch, moving one of his little brothers, Jason, out of the way. Nick sat next to him, leaning back on the cushions. Jeff’s furniture was all mismatched, something that would’ve given Nick’s mother a stroke, but Nick loved. He and Jeff both fit on the giant, plush couch when they had sleepovers, and there were a bunch of quilts over it with funny pictures.   
“Hey, I have a question.” Nick sat up a bit in his seat, Jeff looking away from channel surfing.  
“What?”   
“Do you like Sadie? Like like her?” He blushed, laughing a little at how stupid and childish it sounded.   
“Like like her?” Jeff laughed, shaking his head. “I mean, I don’t know. She’s pretty. I like talking to her a lot.” Nick stayed silent, waiting for the answer. Jeff bit his lip. “I don’t know. How can you tell if you like someone?”  
“I was hoping I could ask you the same question.” Nick muttered. But he was strangely reassured. Jeff didn’t know what he was doing either. Maybe nobody did.  
Jeff laughed softly, putting his soda on the coffeetable and leaning back. “I guess you just… know when you know.”  
Nick nodded, finishing his drink and considering Jeff’s words. “What if you never know?”  
This stumped Jeff for a second. “Well, it’s not like we’ll be alone. We’ll have eachother.”  
Nick felt significantly less confused. Jeff was a constant in his life. He always would be. He wasn’t confused about that. “We’ll have eachother.” He lifted his empty can in a faux toast. The rest, he’d worry about later.

-

“Thanks for helping me out.”   
Cara smiled, shrugging. “No big deal. You help me, too.”  
Nick laughed softly. He was starting to consider Cara a good friend. They always studied in the library on Thursday afternoons, because Nick didn’t have choir. “Well, good.”  
They worked together silently, Nick humming occasionally. “Can you believe we only have a few weeks left of seventh grade?” Cara said suddenly, closing her notebook and smiling.  
“I definitely can, I hope eighth grade goes fast. Highschool seems so much better.” Nick laughed, shaking his head.  
“Are you going to Dalton?” Cara tilted her head.  
“Hopefully.” He nodded. “Country Day?”  
She nodded. “Yup.”  
“Maybe we can keep hanging out. Even if we don’t study together.” Nick offered, shrugging. He liked having her as a friend.   
Cara raised her eyebrows. “Really?”  
“Yeah.” Nick cleared his throat. “I mean, unless you don’t want to.”  
“No, I want to. Is it… is it like a date?”   
Nick breathed in, straightening a little. “That would be- I mean, sure. It can be.” He was a little thrown off. He hadn’t been thinking about it that way. But why not? Cara was a good friend. Maybe she could be his girlfriend, he could start to like her in that way.  
“Oh.” Cara smiled, blushing and tucking her hair behind her ear. “I thought… nevermind.”  
“What?” Nick smiled, crossing his arms.   
“I just always thought you were gay.”  
The smile slipped from Nick’s face in an instant. “What?”  
“It’s not bad, I just- I didn’t know.” She covered, but Nick was barely listening. He wasn’t gay. That was impossible, why would she even say something like that?  
“I’m not gay.” Saying the word aloud even felt strange, scary. He didn’t even know anyone gay, let alone himself. “Why did you think that?”  
She played with her pencil. “I don’t know. You weren’t chasing girls like the other boys have been. And you’re always with Jeff-”  
“He’s my best friend.” Nick interjected, and he felt himself getting red.  
“Okay, yeah. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Cara looked as uncomfortable as he was, if that was even possible. Nick quickly put his textbooks into his backpack.   
“I have to go.”  
“Nick-”  
He left, his mind racing. He wasn’t gay. He had never kissed a boy or anything like that, he’d never even thought about that. Did everyone think the same thing that Cara did? How could they all know something Nick didn’t know?  
He caught himself quickly. He did know. He wasn’t gay. That just wouldn’t make any sense. He sat down on a bench outside the school, his mother wouldn’t be there for a while. Being alone with this new thought was terrifying. But what else could he do? He’d never tell anyone that she said that. Not even his parents. Not even Jeff.   
By the time his mother arrived, he’d composed himself, and got in the car, doing his best at making their usual small talk. If his attempt was flimsy, his mother didn’t notice, and for once he was grateful for her inattentiveness. He’d keep pushing this down until he forgot about it, soon it wouldn’t even matter. He wouldn’t even let himself think about it.

-

A few weeks after what happened in the library, Nick found that not thinking about it was impossible. Seventh grade ended, and he barely noticed, his mind was so preoccupied. He couldn’t leave the idea alone.   
One night, a few days after summer started, he took a few deep breaths and warred with himself before sitting down at his computer and typing in, ‘gay’. 

gay, adj.  
(of a person, especially a man) homosexual.

He shook his head and tried another.

homosexual, adj.  
(of a person) sexually attracted to people of one’s own sex.

He read the definition a few times, then leaned back in his desk chair, digesting. He was trying to make it simpler in his head, make it not so scary and unknown. Defining it helped him, he’d always strayed to the more literal and logical side of things. He scrolled through endless information, from gay celebrities to biological evidence to coming out stories. Without even realizing, he stayed on the computer for hours, and when he looked at the clock it was past midnight.  
He powered off his computer and rubbed his eyes, tired from the harsh light of his screen. He crawled into bed and looked at the ceiling. For the first time, he let his mind wander without forcing it to think a certain way.  
What if… he was gay?   
He allowed the idea to roll around in his mind for a minute, not knowing how he felt about it. Mainly scared. But as he had been for weeks, he was fixated on the topic. Switching to a new perspective was like gassing a flame.   
His mind seemed to reach everywhere after he let himself think just the one question. Did it explain why he never had crushes on girls? What was it like to kiss a boy? What was having a boyfriend like? Was there anyone gay in his town at all?  
He fell asleep with these thoughts, feeling confused and disoriented. He didn’t know how to deal with this, still. One more question was circling his mind. What if he never figured it out?

-

“Babysitting is the worst.” Jeff hoisted Jason onto his shoulders with a grunt, giving him yet another piggyback around the yard.  
Nick laughed, watching from his seat on Jeff’s back deck, Jeff’s other little brother, Aaron, by his side. “It’s not that bad.”  
“That’s because you’re sitting pretty on the porch, not being subjected to manual labor.” Jeff let Jason fall to the grass, the boy landing with a laugh.   
“Oh, get over yourself.”   
Jeff put his hands on his hips. “You try it!”  
It was around ninety degrees out, the kind of weather that was just so hot and thick that doing anything just seemed entirely too hard. But that was August in Ohio. “I’m all set, thanks.”  
Jeff grabbed the hose from the side of the house, waving it menacingly. “You look like you need to cool off.”  
“Jeffrey Sterling, don’t even think about it.” Nick quickly got to his feet, increasing the distance between them.  
Jeff grinned. “Beg for mercy.”  
“I’d rather die.”  
“Say no more.” Jeff turned the water on, pointing the hose at Nick and charging at him.  
Nick laughed, frantically dodging the stream. “Evil!”   
They chased eachother around the yard until they were drenched in sweat and the heat was too much. Nick let Jeff catch him, he wanted the cold water so badly. Jeff acted like it was a victory still, tackling Nick to the ground. “Got you!”  
Nick groaned as he laughed, trying to control the water. “You’re sweaty and disgusting, get off.”  
“So are you, it’s fucking hot outside.”   
“Your brothers can hear you!”  
“Believe me, they’ve heard worse.” Jeff finally gave up the hose, collapsing beside Nick and catching his breath, wiping his forehead.  
Nick ran the water over himself, then Jeff, who hummed gratefully. They’d spent the whole summer together, just like last year. Now they started their last year of middle school in just a week. Time felt like it was tumbling by him.   
In the day, at least. During the day, he had fun, and he hung out with Jeff, and he occupied his mind all the time. But nighttime wasn’t so easy, and it was getting harder to deal with all that he was feeling and thinking about. Which was bothersome, because wasn’t it supposed to be getting easier?  
It wouldn’t start getting easier until he answered the question that kept him up those nights. Was he gay? He was more open to questioning it now, but answering it was different. Answering it was final and real and he wasn’t ready. He’d keep living in this grey area for now. Here, he didn’t have to face any truths he didn’t want to hear yet.   
“Hey, are you having a heatstroke?” Jeff’s waving hand in front of his face pulled him back into the now, and he rolled his eyes, bending the hose to stop the water.  
“More like suffering from over exhaustion.” He released the block to spray Jeff with the water, snickering as the blonde spluttered.   
“Trouble sleeping?” Jeff dragged himself to his feet to shut off and wind up the hose.   
Nick shrugged. “Yeah.”  
“Nightmares?” Jeff wiggled his fingers and imitated a ghost booing, which prompted Nick to trip him.  
“Those would be preferable, because they would mean I was falling asleep at all.”   
Jeff fell to the ground and huffed, rubbing his arm where he landed. “Damn, seems like you need a good lullaby.”  
“I’d love to hear you give it a shot.” Nick gestured for him to begin.  
Jeff laughed. “I can’t do it on the spot.”  
Nick shook his head and smiled. “Then I guess I’m on the road to insomnia. And it’s your fault.”  
“Fine, fine. Let me think.” Jeff crossed his arms behind his head as he thought, and Nick watched him, waiting for the song. “Ever heard of a little song called Ignition?”  
Nick rolled his eyes. “Not lullaby material.”  
“But it’s the remix!”  
Nick flipped him off, and Jeff grabbed his hand, folding his finger back down. Nick pulled his hand away quickly before he thought or felt anything he shouldn’t. “I should head back soon, I have to go to some auction thing tonight.”   
“Say you’re sick and can’t go.”  
“And have the public think that the Duval family is in anything less than perfect health all the time? Definitely not.” Nick mocked his mother’s voice.   
Jeff laughed at the impression. “If your dad wins, are you gonna be Ohio royalty?” He teased.  
Nick’s dad was running for state office, something that required attending a lot of events dressed nicely and watching his mother coordinate parties and dinners like it was her job. Maybe it was, Nick didn’t really know. Often, business affairs were not topics of discussion with the ‘children’. “Oh, sure. Nick Duval, Prince of Ohio.” He made a face.  
Jeff shrugged. “It’s got a nice ring to it, you have to admit.”   
Nick laughed, getting to his feet and pushing back his wet hair. “Then let’s hope he wins.”  
“You’re Ohio royalty regardless.” Jeff teased, blowing a kiss, which Nick pretended to wave away.  
“Uh huh. I’ll see you tomorrow?”  
Jeff nodded, sitting up and pulling off his soaked shirt. “Tomorrow.”  
Nick might have stared one second too long. He might have tripped a little on his way out of the yard. Shaking his head, he got on his bike and pedaled hard on the way home.


	4. Chapter Four

“Now, for this project you’ll need a partner.”  
Jeff turned around in his seat to face Nick, who saluted. They worked together every project, but confirmation didn’t hurt. The teacher droned on at the front of the class, and usually Nick was good at paying close attention and taking good notes, but not today. Because today was important. Today he heard back from Dalton.  
Most of the boys at their middle school enrolled last year, but there was a lengthy selection process that carried through to now, when it was late September and school was back in session. Dalton was expensive, and prestigious, and a few other choice words his parents loved, like ‘enriching’ and ‘classy’. Not everyone got in, and it was an honor to be selected. Nick wanted it badly.   
The bell finally rang to dismiss them, and Nick waited for Jeff to walk with him to the bus. “We’re gonna kill that project, I already have a million ideas.” Jeff grinned, and Nick half nodded. Jeff raised his eyebrows. “Now is the part where you ask me what they are, Duval, then proceed to appreciate my creative genius.”  
“Sorry, I can’t stop thinking about Dalton.” He shook his head. “What if I don’t get in?”  
“Please, why wouldn’t you get in?” Jeff laughed. “You’re crazy smart. And the school will want people like your family, Prince of Ohio.”   
Nick laughed. “What about you? You’ll get in for sure.”  
Jeff’s smiled wavered a bit. “I don’t think so.”  
“Are you kidding?” Jeff’s grades were crazy high, and he worked hard to get everything done. He liked creating projects like the one they were just assigned, and he was involved with a lot at the school. “If I get in, you’ll definitely get in.”  
Jeff breathed in and shrugged. “Even if I did, we can’t afford it.”   
Nick nearly stopped short in the middle of the hall. “I can’t go there without you.”  
“You might have to.” Jeff mumbled. He was clearly upset about this, Nick didn’t know why he didn’t mention it before. “It’s too expensive. Mom is already working extra shifts just to pay for Jason and Aaron and I to have new clothes.”  
Jeff never talked about this stuff, and Nick pulled him to the side of the hallway, out of the way of traffic. “My family could lend yours the money, it’s not like we don’t have it to spare.”  
His friend’s face went red. “No, I wasn’t- fishing for handouts, Nick, I don’t need the money. I just won’t go.”  
“It would be a gift-”  
“It would be charity.” Jeff cut him off, stepping away from him. “We’re getting by just fine. Don’t worry about it.”  
Nick swallowed, knowing he’d struck a nerve. “I’m sorry, I just thought-”  
“Whatever. Thanks for the offer.” Jeff said flatly, and then disappeared into the busy hallway. Nick watched after him, his chest tight. Was that a fight? They never fought. Not in a real way.   
He trudged down the hallway a few minutes later. He didn’t want to go to Dalton if Jeff didn’t go. The thought of going to different schools made his heart ache. His excitement to check the mail diminished, and dread replaced it, as he sulked on the bus ride home.   
By the time he reached his house, he didn’t want to check for the letter at all. He stood in front of his mailbox, staring at it. It took a few minutes to make himself open it, and sure enough, the letter was there, with the official seal and everything. He pulled it out, feeling the weight of the expensive paper in his hand, and slit open the envelope. He didn’t even bother to wait until he went inside. He unfolded the letter and scanner it quickly. 

To the Parents or Guardians of Nicholas Duval,  
It is our pleasure to inform you that Nicholas has been selected to continue his learning at Dalton Academy, as a part of the Class of 2021. It is considered a great honor to be chosen-

Nick folded the letter again and shoved it in the envelope. He got in. His parents weren’t home. There was no one to tell. He got on his bike reflexively, his backpack still on and the letter still in hand. Could he go to Jeff’s? Would Jeff want to hear it?  
He was biking in the direction of Jeff’s house already, mental autopilot kicking in. He reached Jeff’s house and knocked on his door by instinct alone. Jeff opened it, with a huge smile on his face and an identical letter in his hand.   
“You’re… happy.”  
Jeff didn’t say anything, throwing his arms around him with enough force to knock him on his back on their front porch, Jeff falling with him in a fit of breathless laughter. “I got in.”  
Nick barely processed what Jeff was saying, hands tangled in Jeff’s shirt from their fall. “I thought it didn’t matter because it was too expen-”  
“Scholarship. I got in on a scholarship, full ride.” Jeff was still holding him tight, his happiness audible.  
“Oh my- Jeff! A scholarship!” He repeated dumbly, Jeff’s wide grin was contagious. They were going to Dalton together.   
Jeff finally let go of him, but stayed on top of him from the fall, snatching Nick’s letter from his hand. “You’re in, right? Of course you’re in, we’re in!”  
Nick laughed, laying underneath him and looking up. Suddenly, a thought entered his head without him allowing it to. Watching Jeff smile like that, so close to him… he wanted to kiss him. The thought quickly filled up his brain and clouded everything else in his mind. He wanted to kiss his best friend. He wanted to kiss Jeff Sterling.

-

After he first thought of it, it was all he could think about. He couldn’t look at Jeff the same. He couldn’t stop his gaze from falling to Jeff’s mouth, and how had he never noticed how nice his eyes were? His smile made his heart beat in double time, his laugh made it triple. Why was he just noticing all these things now?   
By the end of the week, he was realizing that he wasn’t noticing them for the first time. He was just putting things into this new context. It was both terrifying and oddly therapeutic. He could label these things now, he knew why he felt them. But fear kicked in when he thought about feeling them in the first place.   
He had a crush on his best friend. And that was never, ever going to work out in his favor. Even if Jeff wasn’t in the picture, there’d be no hope for him. He couldn’t come out or anything like that. He couldn’t even come out to himself. Since realizing his feelings for Jeff, Nick looked in his mirror everyday and tried to make himself come out, out loud. And he couldn’t. He didn’t think he ever would be able to make himself say it. 

-

Sometime close to Christmas, Nick watched Jeff make snow angels in his yard for hours. “The key is, when you get up, you have to jump out of the angel shape, or there will be ugly footprints all around it.” Jeff leaped out of the indentation of his snow angel, landing ungracefully in a snow drift.  
Nick laughed, rubbing his gloved hands together as he watched from the steps. “Amazing, your work belongs in the finest of museums.”  
Jeff came over and yanked Nick’s hat over his eyes. “Good enough for the Duval Museum?”   
Nick pushed his hat back up, retaliating by pulling off Jeff’s scarf and tossing it into the snow. “No, too tacky. Sorry.”  
“I’ll have to keep working, then.” Jeff laughed, grabbing his scarf and snapping it at him. Nick waved him off, watching as Jeff started rolling snowballs. His cheeks were all ruddy, it looked nice with his eyes and his light hair. He tried not to look for too long.   
“Ask for anything nice for Christmas?” Nick asked, rolling a few snowballs of his own.  
Jeff shrugged. “Not really.”  
“Your mom will get you something good, she knows what you like.”  
“Santa’s not real?” Jeff gasped, widening his eyes.  
Nick tossed a snowball at him. “Oops.”  
Jeff laughed, throwing one back, then swearing as Nick dodged it and hit the house’s front door. “I can’t believe Santa’s not real, my dreams are crushed.” Jeff teased, putting his hand over his forehead melodramatically.   
“Just wait ‘til you hear about the Easter Bunny.”  
“Don’t even start!” Jeff whipped another snowball, this one with more force, hitting Nick in the chest.  
Nick brushed it off, looking up at the overcast sky. It was getting dark, night always fell faster in the winter and it was easy to lose track of time with Jeff. “I gotta go, my brother flies in early tomorrow for the holidays and I need to be ‘well-rested’ to give him a ‘proper greeting’.” He air quoted as he stood.  
Jeff shook his head. “No, sleepover, riding your bike over ice in the dark is dangerous.”  
“Thrilling.” Nick teased, but Jeff was being genuine.  
“I always get scared you’ll get hurt, biking here isn’t the same as it is in the summer.”   
Nick shrugged. What could he say? He couldn’t stop coming to Jeff’s, he wanted to see him. He didn’t really care if it was dark or cold or anything. “I’ll be fine.”  
“If you stay over you can just go home early tomorrow, when it’s light.” Jeff pushed him towards the door gently, and Nick sighed, but smiled to himself.   
“Fine.”  
Jeff smiled, pushing ahead of him to go inside. “Couch is mine, you get the floor!”  
Nick laughed, following him in and taking off all his layers at the door. “No way, I did the floor last time.”  
“I called it first, fair and square.” Jeff gathered blankets and pillows from his bedroom and brought them down the hall to the living room, so they could watch TV as they fell asleep.   
“Well that’s bull, I’m sleeping on the couch.”  
“So am I.” Jeff challenged, hopping on the couch, Nick quick to follow.  
They laughed as they adjusted, limbs tangled in eachother’s. They ended up with their heads on opposite sides of the couch, their legs overlapping in the middle. They were both taller than they’d been since they’d both fit comfortably, but neither of them moved. He closed his eyes, even though the lights were still on and the TV was loud. He liked the way it felt to have Jeff lay close to him. He let himself think that without pushing the thought away. “Night, Nick.”  
“Night, Jeff.”

-

I’m gay.  
Nick stared at his reflection. Just say it. He couldn’t. Frustrated, he studied the pictures that were stuck in the frame of his mirror.  
A photo of him and his family at some state event. He wasn’t smiling in it. A photo of him on his first day of middle school. Not smiling. There were only two pictures he was smiling in. One was a group photo of him and the choir, where he was at the front, doing some solo he didn’t remember the name of. And the other was a photo of him and Jeff that Jeff’s mother had taken, where neither of them were looking at the camera. They were looking at eachother, laughing at something, sitting on Jeff’s front steps.   
Nick faced the mirror again. Say it. He opened his mouth, but nothing. He took all the pictures down from his mirror and left.

-

“Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, all that good stuff.” Jeff was at Nick’s door with a wrapped present, a hat pulled over his ears and red mittens on his hands.   
“Christmas is two days from now. And I told you not to get me anything.” Nick crossed his arms, but his smile persisted.   
“Yeah, but I’m sure you got something for me, right?” Jeff tilted his head. Nick couldn’t argue with that. He stepped aside to let Jeff in.   
“I feel like I haven’t been here in forever.” Jeff hung his scarf and pulled off his hat, leaving his hair a mess. Nick reached over and tried fixing it, but Jeff bumped his hand away. “Leave it, it’s exposure therapy for your mom.”   
Nick laughed, dropping his hands. Jeff was right, he’d been trying to make Jeff look more presentable for his mother. “Alright, just know she’s gonna mention it.”  
Jeff laughed and passed Nick his present. “I can deal with it.”   
Speaking of, his mother came out then, in a dress and heels. “Oh, Nick, your father and I are going out tonight. You really shouldn’t have company when we’re not here. Hello, Jeffrey.” She added as an afterthought.  
Jeff waved. Nick sighed. “Mike is home, he’ll make sure we don’t burn the house down or anything.”   
His brother had flown in a few days ago, and was staying for a few weeks. “Fine, but try not to bother him. He’s very busy.”  
“He always is.” Nick headed upstairs with Jeff quickly, taking him into his room.  
“Am I gonna meet the famous Duval brother?” Jeff asked, once they’d closed the bedroom door. Nick sighed and sat on the bed.   
“If he can make time in his busy schedule.”   
Jeff nodded, joining him on the bed. Nick hadn’t told Jeff much about him, but he was sure he could fill in the blanks. He was the perfect brother, and Nick was being trained to be his photocopy. “Well, open your present. But first appreciate how well I wrapped it.”   
He laughed, turning it over in his hands to study the wrap job. “Wow, this is impressive. For you.” He teased, and Jeff flipped him off.  
“I’ll take your present back, watch yourself.”   
Nick smiled and unwrapped it, having no idea what it could be. When he finally lifted the lid, his eyebrows raised. It was a T-shirt, with the middle school’s logo on it. All over it, there were choir kids’ signatures. “What…”  
“I had everyone sign it. So you remember where you started when you become a famous singer.” Jeff laughed, biting his lip and watching Nick’s reaction.  
He read through all the signatures, shaking his head slowly. “This is…” Incredibly thoughtful. The best gift he’d ever gotten. “I love it.” He leaned in, pulling Jeff into a hug. Jeff laughed, hugging back.  
“I’m glad you like it. You’re really talented. You’re gonna go places. Don’t forget us.”  
Nick laughed, hugging him a little tighter. Choir might fade from his memory years from now, some of these signatures he barely recognized. But Jeff’s stood out, front and center. He’d never forget him. “Thank you, Jeff.”  
They finally parted, Nick getting up to hang the shirt in his closet and retrieve Jeff’s present. “Close your eyes.”  
Jeff did so, laughing. “I swear, if you drop a snake in my lap or something-”  
“It’s not that.” Nick laughed, bringing it over to the bed. It was a guitar. It was secondhand, Nick knew Jeff wouldn’t accept something too expensive. Jeff used to have one, Nick remembered it, but it had gotten damaged somehow, and Jeff always put off repairing it because of the expense. He placed the instrument in front of Jeff on the bed; it wasn’t wrapped, but there was a bow around the neck. “Okay, open.”  
Jeff opened his eyes slowly, then opened his mouth. “Nick.”  
“It was secondhand at a music store, it wasn’t pricey or anything.” Nick hurried to fill in. “But I just wanted you to have it. You have musical talent, too. You need to have something to hone it on.” Jeff wiped his eyes quickly, and Nick’s heart sank. He’d offended him. “I’m sorry, I’ll return it if you want, I only-”  
Jeff laughed through his tears. “They’re happy tears. I’m happy.”  
“Oh.” He breathed out, smile growing again. “Okay, good, you need to start playing me things all the time.”  
He untied the bow gently, lifting the guitar into his lap and strumming a few chords, tuning it by ear. “Anything you want.” Jeff smiled, and Nick couldn’t stop watching the way his fingers moved over the strings. He wished he could reach over and hold his hand. He wanted to feel the calluses from the rough strings on Jeff’s hand in his own. Thoughts like those still startled him a bit, they entered his head so automatically. But he didn’t try to stop them anymore.   
“Anything I want? That’s risky, I have a lot of song requests.” He smiled, and Jeff laughed.  
“I can work with that.”  
“My first request is for you to play your favorite song.” Nick grinned.   
Jeff plucked the strings as he contemplated. Finally, he chose, and he began playing Bulletproof. It was a slowed down, acoustic version. “Been there, done that, messed around, I'm having fun; don't put me down. I'll never let you sweep me off my feet.” He started softly, keeping his eyes on his hands. 

Burning bridges shore to shore  
I'll break away from something more  
I'm not turned on to love until it's cheap

Been there, done that, messed around  
I'm having fun; don't put me down  
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet

This time, baby, I'll be, bulletproof. This time, baby, I'll be, bulletproof.

I won't let you turn around  
And tell me now I'm much too proud  
To walk away from something when it's dead

Do, do, do your dirty words  
Come out to play when you are heard  
There's certain things that should be left unsaid

Tick, tick, tick, tick on the watch  
And life's too short for me to stop  
Oh, baby, your time is running out

I won't let you turn around   
And tell me now I'm much too proud  
All you do is fill me up with doubt

 

This time, baby, I'll be, bulletproof. This time, baby, I'll be, bulletproof.

 

Nick smiled, listening closely. Jeff had picked up the skill again quickly, and the song sounded great. It was Jeff’s favorite for a reason, Nick could see why, after what his friend had been through. He clapped after he finished, Jeff laughing and blushing a little. “I’m a little rusty.”  
“Not at all.” Nick said honestly, playing with the ribbon from the guitar idly.   
Jeff smiled and put it down on the bed. “Maybe I’ll write you an original. You could be my muse.”   
It was Nick’s turn to blush, but he hid it, getting up to throw the ribbon away. “I’ll be waiting for that track to drop.”  
Jeff laughed, leaning off the bed to pull the ribbon back. “Hey, don’t throw that out.”   
Nick let him take it. “Why?”  
“Because I want it. You gave it to me with the guitar.” He teased. “It’s pretty.”  
“You can’t really do anything with it.” Nick shrugged, and Jeff imitated the gesture.  
“I like it ‘cause it’s from you and reminds me of you.”   
He ran his hand through his hair and forced a smile. He wished Jeff meant that in the way he wanted him to. “Fair enough.”  
Jeff tied the ribbon around the neck of the guitar again and got up. “Let’s go eat, is there any gingerbread?”   
Nick laughed and went downstairs with him. “No, it’s gross.”  
“Anything Christmas-themed?”  
“You’re a dork.”  
“You’re a scrooge.”  
“I’ll take your present back.” Nick copied what Jeff had said earlier, Jeff pushing him with a laugh.  
“You’d have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.”  
Nick grinned and grabbed his shoulders. “Watch your back.”  
Jeff laughed and ran down the stairs, Nick right behind him.

-

He found himself in front of the mirror again, shortly after Christmas. It was becoming routine. He’d sit down, stare at his reflection, think about saying the words. Then he’d open his mouth, stay silent, and think about why he couldn’t say the words.  
“I’m-” He’d cut off, his stomach lurching. He’d triple check to make sure he was alone. A few more deep breaths. But he still couldn’t do it.  
Until one day, he did. He sat in front of the mirror, swallowed, and met his own gaze.   
“I’m gay.”   
He covered his mouth, surprised at himself, and hearing the words for the first time. Tears filled his eyes instantly, and he cried for a long time. He didn’t even know what emotions he was feeling, too many of them were entirely new to him.   
It was an odd feeling, to say the words out loud. Weeks later, he still had mixed feelings. A weight had been lifted off his shoulders, he’d answered what he’d been most confused about. He’d faced the truth, and though he wasn’t entirely comfortable with it yet, he could admit it. But at the same time, he felt at a loss for what to do next. He wasn’t planning on telling anyone, or doing anything to give it away. So his secret just sat with him.   
That was okay for now, it was enough. 

-

It got warm out again quickly, it seemed, like winter seemed to thaw especially fast this year. In the spring, middle school was already feeling like a memory, though he hadn’t even left it yet.   
“Dances are so stupid. Why do we have a dance, just to mark the end of eighth grade?” Nick vented to Jeff as they walked from Jeff’s house to the park with his brothers, who were sitting in the wagon he was towing.  
Jeff laughed. “Don’t be a downer, it’s gonna be fun.”   
Nick rolled his eyes. “No possible way.”  
“When did you become the antagonist of a coming of age film?” Jeff teased, bumping Nick’s arm. “There’s gonna be music, food, and it’s our last chance to see everyone that isn’t going to Dalton.”   
He shrugged. “Bad music, bad food, and it’s not like I’m gonna miss those people.”  
Jeff stopped walking, dropping the wagon handle to turn to Nick and grip his shoulders. “Enough of this moping.” He grinned, and Nick couldn’t help but smile as well.   
“But-”  
“No buts. You’re gonna go to this stupid dance and listen to stupid music and you’re gonna have fun.” Jeff shook him, laughing. “Who are you planning on asking?”  
He took Jeff’s hands off his shoulders, laughing a little. “Do I have to take anyone?”  
“No.” Jeff conceded. “But I know a bunch of girls that would love to go with you.”  
“Liar.”  
“I have never told a lie!” Jeff put his hand over his heart dramatically, to which Nick raised an eyebrow to. “Fine, I have stretched the truth a bit in the past. But I’m serious, what’s not to love about Nick Duval?”  
Nick blushed, putting his hands in his pockets. “A lot.”  
“Wrong again. You’re full of great qualities.” Jeff ticked them off his fingers. “You’re a good singer, you’re nice, you’re generous, you have really nice eyes-”  
Nick stopped listening, glancing to Jeff as he spoke. Jeff didn’t mean it like that, he knew. It was just an observation. But it still made him wish harder that there was any chance Jeff felt the same way about him as Nick did. “Okay, enough, I get it.” He laughed, shaking his head. “But still.”  
Jeff sighed and smiled. “You’re a heartbreaker, Prince of Ohio.” He jostled Nick, and he pushed back with a laugh.  
“Will you ever let that nickname die?”  
“Never.” Jeff grinned and dodged Nick’s grip. Nick picked up the wagon handle, continuing to the park with them. Jeff kicked a rock as they walked. “I think I’ll ask Sadie. To the dance.”  
Nick breathed in and shrugged. “Hm. That’ll be nice.” He mumbled, Jeff not catching on to how not nice it would be.  
“Yeah.” Jeff smiled, ruffling Aaron’s hair.   
“Oooh, Jeff has a girlfriend!” Jason singsonged, and Jeff laughed.  
“I do not. Not yet.” Not yet. That was a little harder to fake a smile over. They reached the park, Aaron and Jason scrambling out of the wagon to go play. Nick sat on the bench. “Too old to play at the park?” Jeff put his hands on his hips.  
“A little bit.”  
“It was a trick question, you’re never too old to play at the park.” Jeff pulled Nick to his feet and dragged him to the swings. “Push me.” Jeff sat on a swing, and Nick laughed.  
“You’re such a child-”  
“Get over yourself and push me!” Jeff swung his legs, until Nick finally sighed and began pushing him on the swing.   
“You’re high maintenance, you know that?”   
Jeff only laughed, swinging higher and higher, until Nick couldn’t push him anymore. “Thanks.”  
“Don’t jump off.” Nick warned, Jeff still laughing.  
“I won’t.”   
Nick didn’t believe him. “You’re gonna break your leg.”  
“I won’t.”  
Nick watched Jeff gain more momentum, sighing. “You’re gonna jump off, aren’t you?”  
“Yeah, definitely.” Jeff smiled, and Nick stepped aside to give him space.   
“Any last words?”  
“I am not the least afraid to die.” Jeff let go of the swing chains, sprawling in the air at a height that made Nick’s heart speed up. He landed first on his feet, but toppled forward from the force, faceplanting in the grass.  
Nick stifled a laugh, going to him and leaning down. “You good?”  
“Great.” Jeff rolled onto his back, breathless with laughter and grass stains on his knees.   
“Interesting last words.”   
“They were Charles Darwin’s last words.” Jeff smiled, still short of breath.  
“And how do you know that?” Nick laughed.  
“I know lots of things.” Jeff pointed to his own foot. “Like, my ankle is definitely broken.”  
“Jesus.” Nick shook his head and kneeled beside him. “I know I shouldn’t say I told you so, but.” He took off Jeff’s shoe and grimaced. His ankle was already swelling. “How are you calm right now?”  
“Adrenaline?” Jeff shrugged, glancing to his ankle and making a face. “It shouldn’t bend that way.”  
“No, not at all.” Nick breathed and braced himself, then helped Jeff up, letting his friend lean on him and having him sit in the wagon.   
“Is Jeff okay?” Aaron yelled from across the park.   
“He’ll be okay. We’re gonna bring him home though, let’s do the park another day.” Nick motioned for them to come over, and the boys quickly came, heading back to the house with him.  
Jeff’s ankle swelled more, and his friend was no longer laughing, his face pale. “Why did no one stop me?” He groaned.  
“I tried.” Nick protested, picking up the speed to Jeff’s house. Jeff kept shifting in the wagon, crying out when his foot was moved. “Stop moving, Jeff, we’re almost home.”   
Jeff muttered something, his breathing a little irregular. Finally, they reached the house, and Nick brought Aaron and Jason in, Jeff in the yard. “Amy, Jeff’s hurt. His ankle, it looks broken.”  
Amy turned from where she was washing dishes, and frowned. “Where-”  
“He’s out in the yard.” Nick quickly searched the freezer for an ice pack. “He jumped off a swing at the park and landed wrong.”  
Amy followed him outside, where they found Jeff pulling himself out of the wagon. “Jeff, easy, stay put.” She took his arm, and Nick grabbed the other, wrapping it over his shoulders to support him.  
“I’m not spending the summer in a cast, can’t we just make a splint and let the bones set by themselves?” Jeff tried to turn back to the house, but Nick turned him towards the car.   
“If you didn’t want a cast, you shouldn’t have jumped off the swing.” Nick helped him into the car, Jeff swearing under his breath, Amy either pretending not to hear or just excusing it.  
“Now is not the time, Duval.” Jeff muttered, sitting beside him in the backseat, squished close so he could stretch his leg out the other direction.  
Amy ushered Aaron and Jason to the neighbors’ house, then got in the drivers side, heading to the hospital. Jeff rested his head on Nick’s shoulder, catching his breath everytime they went over a bump. Nick took his hand, letting Jeff squeeze it. It made his heart speed up, but he pushed the feeling down, it was just about helping Jeff right now.   
“Alright, can you walk, Jeff?” Amy asked when they arrived, and Nick shook his head.  
“I’ll help him in, you can find a parking spot, no worries.”   
Jeff had started sweating, and looked on the verge of getting sick. Amy promised she’d be right inside, and Nick kept Jeff’s arm over his shoulders, leading him into the hospital. “It fucking hurts like hell.” Jeff murmured, limping alongside him.   
“I figured.” He shook his head, sitting him in a waiting room chair and taking the seat next to him. “One of these days, you’re gonna do worse than break your ankle, if you keep trying stunts.” Nick warned, and Jeff laughed weakly.   
“What’s life without a little risk?” He leaned on Nick. “I am not the least afraid to die.” He repeated, winking.  
Nick looked up as Amy entered, going to the front desk to get the forms to fill out. “Do you think it’s broken, hun?” She sat next to them to work on the documents, Jeff sighing.  
“A little bit.”  
Jeff was examined by a doctor, which he wouldn’t stop complaining about until everyone in the hospital knew he hated the doctors office. Nick just patted his shoulder and rolled his eyes.  
Finally, the X-rays came back. “I’m sorry, Mr. Sterling, it seems you’ve broken your ankle. Fractured your growth plate, specifically.”   
Jeff crossed his arms, looking at his temporary splint. “So how long am I gonna be casted?”   
“Six weeks. Possibly eight. We want to make sure it heals properly, its a major part of your developing bones.” The doctor nodded, and Nick took Jeff’s hand again, which Jeff squeezed gratefully.  
“So I’m in a cast for the whole summer, basically.”  
The doctor smiled a little sadly. “I’m afraid so. But we can waterproof the cast, and you’ll be mobile on your crutches.”   
Jeff stayed silent, so Nick answered. “Thanks.”  
“We’ll fit his cast now.” The doctor went about his work, Nick trying to keep Jeff’s attention engaged in something positive as he watched.  
“We’ll still have fun this summer. Lots of fun. There’s stuff we can do you can be laying down for.”  
Jeff gave him a look that made Nick blush, but was too down to make the joke. “Like what?”  
“Like… movie marathons. And we can work on preparing for auditions at Dalton.” He nodded, smiling.   
Jeff shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”  
“Don’t be sad about this summer. I’ll make it good for you.”  
“Alright, now you’re begging me to make it dirty.” Jeff finally laughed, Nick bumping his arm and smiling.   
“There’s the Jeff I know.”

-

By the time the dance came around, Jeff had collected a signature on his cast from just about everyone in the grade. Amy picked Nick up at his house a bit before the event to drive them there.  
“Thanks for the ride, Amy.” Nick smiled, getting in, careful not to crease his suit. His mother had warned him of creases about a million times.  
“No problem, lovebug.”   
Jeff whistled, moving his casted leg over to make room in the backseat. “I’d say you clean up good, but you’re always cleaned up.” He laughed.   
Nick buckled his seatbelt and flicked Jeff’s cast. “Thanks. Not too bad yourself.” He smiled.  
“Thanks. Red’s not my best color, but my tie has to match Sadie’s dress, apparently.” Jeff adjusted his tie, pulling at the neck a little. He hated wearing it.  
“Did she tell you that?”  
“Only a thousand times.” Jeff laughed, then pointed to the red bow on one of his crutches. “This, however, is the best part of my ensemble.”  
It was the ribbon from his guitar, and Nick flushed, laughing. “Very nice. Matches perfectly.” He found his own signature on Jeff’s cast and traced his finger over it. It was just, ‘Nick’, with a smiley face that Jeff had forced him to add. It was weird, he hadn’t really known what to write when Jeff had asked him to sign. Sadie had written a paragraph.   
“It really does.” Jeff smiled, turning his attention out the window. “I’m pissed I won’t be able to dance.”  
“It’ll be stupid music anyways, remember?” Nick laughed.   
“I was gonna request some good songs.” Jeff sighed dramatically.   
Nick smiled and also looked out the window. “You’re a drama queen.”  
Jeff punched his arm. “Please, I am crippled. Show some compassion.”  
He pretended to jostle his cast. “Oops.”   
When they finally reached the school, Amy opened Jeff’s door for him. “Be careful with your ankle, okay? It’ll be crowded in there.”   
Jeff nodded and kissed her cheek. “No worries, mom.”   
She gave Nick a quick hug. “Have fun tonight, you two.” She smiled, and they headed inside, Nick walking a little slower to keep pace with Jeff.  
They entered the gym, and it was decorated like something out of a movie. Streamers and lights and balloons, it was obviously an expensive setup, but that was to be expected from a private middle school. They boys had traded in uniform ties for colored ones, and the girls left their sweaters and skirts in favor of bright dresses. “I can’t believe we’re not seeing these people again.” Jeff tilted his head.  
Nick shook his head. “A lot of the boys are going to Dalton. And the girls will go to Country Day, the schools meet up all the time.”   
“Let me have an end of the world moment.” Jeff laughed, and Nick tilted his head.   
“And what exactly is that?”  
Jeff smiled. “You know. A moment you feel like everything is changing, and nothing will be the same again.”  
“So… you don’t think you’re a drama queen?” Nick laughed, and Jeff bumped his crutch against his leg. It was an interesting way of putting it; the end of the world. Your life just suddenly switches.   
“Oh my God, there you are.” Sadie’s voice interrupted his thoughts, and the pair turned to her.  
“You look beautiful.” Jeff smiled widely. She did. She had on a red dress to match Jeff’s color scheme, and it looked silky and soft. She had some makeup on, too.  
Sadie returned the smile, kissing Jeff’s cheek. “And you look really handsome.” She looked to Nick. “You too, I like yellow.” She gestured to his tie. Jeff nodded his agreement.  
“Yellow is my favorite.”   
Nick already knew that. “Thanks, Sadie.” He smiled, then took a few steps back. “Have fun.”   
She waved to him, pulling Jeff off somewhere, who was laughing in spite of stumbling on his crutches. Nick sighed watched them go. Don’t get sad. You knew they were gonna go as a couple. It still hurt, though.   
“Nick?”   
He turned, and saw Cara. He was surprised, he hadn’t seen her all year. A lot had changed since the last time they talked. “Oh, hey.”   
She smiled a little. “You look nice.”   
“You too.”  
They looked at eachother a minute, and then Cara came closer. “Nick, I know it happened last year, but I’m sorry. About what I said. I wasn’t thinking, and I miss studying with you-”  
Nick cut her off. “It’s okay, you were right.”  
She stopped, tilting her head. “About?”  
“I’m- gay.” He said it before he lost his nerve. He didn’t know why he said it at all, but he just felt compelled to. Nobody else heard, they were out of the way of the crowd, and there was enough chatter and music to mute them from the group.   
Cara nodded, then smiled a little. “Do people know?”  
“No one knows.” He said, shaking his head. Cara nodded again.  
“I’m glad you felt like you could tell me. I’m not gonna repeat it.” She touched his shoulder, and Nick let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. Telling someone felt okay. Good, even.  
“Thank you.” He smiled a little, and she wrapped him in a hug. That definitely caught him off guard, but he liked it. He hugged back after a second, able to relax.  
“Sure.” She pulled away and smiled, then reached out her hand. “Wanna dance?”   
Nick looked at her hand, then smiled. “I do.” He took her hand and walked with her to where it was crowded, and the music was stupid, but they danced anyways, and Jeff was right, he had fun. She was sweet, and a good dancer, and with her he could fit in with everyone else. When he caught Jeff’s gaze, he could smile, and Jeff gave him a thumbs up.   
He told Cara he’d get her a drink, then went to where Jeff was sitting by the refreshments, crutches in his lap. “Is this an alternate universe? I’m the one dancing and you’re the one sitting out?”   
Jeff laughed. “If this dumb cast was off, I’d be killing that dancefloor. But you have moves, Duval.”   
He chuckled and sat next to him. “Why thank you.”  
“You’re definitely in Prince of Ohio mode tonight, dressed like that.”  
“Aren’t I always?” Nick teased, and Jeff nodded.  
“You are.”  
They ended up talking through the next few songs, and he let himself think they came there as a couple. Just for a minute. But reality came in the form of Sadie tugging Jeff back out to dance, and Nick sat back, sipping his drink. He looked around, at all the kids in his grade dancing and talking. Maybe he would miss this. Parts of it, anyways. He had a feeling things would be very different next year. An end of the world moment. He smiled a little to himself and finished his drink, tossing the empty cup. He vaguely remembered something Jeff had said last year, and it felt relevant now, though he couldn’t quite place the exact words. But when his gaze landed on Jeff again, he remembered.  
It’s not like we’ll be alone. We’ll always have eachother.  
Yeah, that wouldn’t change. 

END OF PART ONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO that's the end of their time at middle school! High school is definitely going to be a wild ride for these two. We'll also meet a couple characters; It wouldn't be Dalton without Kurt and Blaine, and a handful of other notable Warblers. Stay tuned.
> 
> I used the song Bulletproof, by La Roux in this chapter, obviously don't own that one (I wish though).


	5. Chapter Five

“And remember, your grades are most important. Work hard, don’t settle for anything less than A’s.”   
“And don’t get into trouble, the last thing we need is something bad reflecting on the family. Especially now with your brother’s campaign and all.”  
Nick half listened to his parents as they rambled on, his attention out the window. Every passing minute brought him closer to Dalton, and every day that summer had made boarding school seem more appealing. If his parents were overbearing before, Michael’s run heightened it to at least double. He’d spent most of his summer at functions and galas and other events that were talked about in Ohio’s newspaper, and Jeff had made a collage of Nick’s face in the printed pictures of the family. Nick had, of course, crumpled it up and thrown it out, which Jeff actually cried over.   
“Nicholas? Are you listening?”  
Nick met his mother’s gaze in the rearview mirror. “Sorry, yes?”  
She sighed. “I said, make friends with the right people. Jeffrey can be a bit reckless, don’t follow his example.”  
“Jeff is at Dalton on a full scholarship, I think he’s a great example to follow.” Nick retorted. Jeff had overcome a lot of things that made him someone Nick looked up to.  
“All we’re saying is to be cautious and be responsible, okay sport?” His father said in his interview voice. It was all artificial.  
“Yes, Dad.”   
By the time Dalton loomed into view, Nick already had his luggage handle in his grasp. His parents didn’t offer to help him carry it inside, and it was all for the better, because Nick was eager to leave them behind. “We’ll come visit, okay?” His mother nodded.  
Nick knew that meant he wouldn’t see them until Christmas. But he smiled anyways. “Can’t wait.”  
They waved as they pulled away, leaving Nick with his luggage on Dalton’s steps. He tilted his head up at the school and smiled. It was gorgeous in person. Huge and rustic, with a sprawling green lawn and a round driveway. It was like a movie. But even better was the atmosphere. Everyone around him was doing the same thing, admiring the school, pulling their bags into the building quickly, as if it would soon disappear like a mirage.   
“Duval!”   
Nick turned at the sound, smile already growing as he knew it was Jeff. “Hey stranger.” They’d seen eachother last night, when Amy had Nick help Jeff to pack, because his friend was too busy playing Call of Duty to ‘worry about boring things like throwing my stuff into a bag’. His words.  
“This place is a palace.” Jeff laughed, still wearing regular clothes even though they’d received their uniforms over the summer. Nick didn’t mind, he liked Jeff in that tank top.   
“I know.” Nick shook his head, entering with him. “I don’t feel worthy.”   
Jeff bumped his arm. “Please, the Prince of Ohio deserves to live in a castle, right?” Now that he was out of his cast, he could move freely again, and he exercised this by doing a little dance.  
Nick rolled his eyes and went to say something back, but was interrupted by a staff member calling them to get dorm assignments. He’d spent the last few weeks praying that he’d get Jeff as his roommate. He knew it was unrealistic, it was a big school, and things like that never happened by chance. He wasn’t lucky enough. He discreetly crossed his fingers as he read over the list.  
Room 232  
Blaine Anderson  
Nicholas Duval

He sighed under his breath. No Jeff. He forced a smile. Don’t be negative, Blaine could be a really nice guy. Jeff pushed him over a bit so he could read his own assignment. “Room 240, Jeff Sterling and Trent Meyers. Fuck, we’re not roommates.”   
The woman directing students to their dorms gave Jeff a look, and Nick laughed as he pulled him down the hall they were pointed towards. “Nice first impression.”  
Jeff huffed, towing his luggage. “She should know I’m very upset about us being separated.”  
Nick was crushed too, but he felt a little better knowing Jeff was just as upset. He liked that Jeff cared so much. “Well, 240 will be just down the hall from my room.”   
“True.” Jeff was smiling again, climbing the stairs to the dorms, suitcase dragging behind him. He’d only brought one, Nick had brought three.   
“Is that all your stuff?”  
Jeff shrugged. “Yeah, there wasn’t much to bring.” He saw Nick struggling with his own luggage and took one from him to carry.   
Nick smiled gratefully, continuing up with him. “You know if you need to borrow my computer or anything-”  
“I know.” Jeff cut him off with a smile, and Nick knew to end the conversation.   
“Think the food here is any good?” If there was any sure way to distract Jeff, it was with the mention of food, and it worked like a charm. They discussed what the food would be like until they got to their hall, where Jeff handed Nick his luggage back.   
“Meet me in the cafeteria when you’re done.” Jeff smiled, heading down the hall, already making conversation with another boy going the same way.   
Nick took a deep breath and faced his door, unlocking it with the key he’d gotten from the residence director and opening it. The room was still empty, and he was grateful for it, as he claimed the bed closer to the window and dropped his luggage on it, taking a moment to look around. It was definitely smaller than his room at home, but spacious for a dorm, and had come with a desk and dresser as well as the bed. A closer look at the desk revealed his class schedule lying there, and he made a note to check it later and compare it with Jeff’s. The room’s window had a view of the campus lawn, which was so freshly mowed he could see the lines of the landscaping. He could also see the students climbing from their cars, and wondered idly which one his roommate was.  
After a moment of people watching, he began unpacking, hanging his clothes and uniform pieces in the closet and filling his dresser. He was in the middle of loading things into his desk drawers when the bedroom door opened, and who must be his roommate stepped in.   
“Hi, I’m Blaine Anderson.” He was short, with curly hair tamed by product, and he was also carrying a number of bags. But the most noticeable thing about him was that he had medical tape over a cut on his cheek, and a pink cast on his left arm.   
Nick smiled a little. “Uh, hi. Nick Duval.” Blaine smiled and began unpacking. Nick debated in his head for a while before asking, “How did you get that cast?”  
Blaine looked at it as if he was just noticing it. “Oh, it’s a long story.” He said it in a voice that suggested it wasn’t a long story, but rather, a complicated one, and he didn’t feel like talking about it. So Nick only nodded.  
“I see.” Curiosity kept nagging him, but he pushed it down and turned back to his bags.  
“I’m so excited to start here, it seems amazing.” Blaine talked as he unpacked, and it was easy to see that the kid was pretty sociable, he went on for a while about Dalton’s classes and policies and then said something that got Nick’s attention. “- and I’m most excited to audition for the Warblers.”  
Nick couldn’t help the smile that started growing. “I’m planning on auditioning as well, when are they hosting them?”  
Blaine’s already wide smile got wider. “Tomorrow after school. I’ve been practicing for weeks.” He blushed, laughing. “The Warblers are like rockstars.”  
Blaine seemed to tell himself to tone it down, but Nick liked his excitement. And he was clearly dedicated. “That’s awesome. I haven’t prepared anything yet.”  
“I could totally help you. If you wanted.” Blaine’s overzealous attitude might have been annoying on someone else, but Nick thought he seemed genuine, like he really wanted to help.  
“That would be cool.” Nick smiled, nodding a little.   
“Maybe after the orientation, then.” Blaine smiled, hanging up a string of photographs. “I think there’s lunch after we’re all moved in, then like, ‘bonding activities’ tonight.” He laughed. “Which means a bunch of kids that smuggled their parents alcohol in get drunk and hang out in their dorm rooms.”   
Nick laughed and put his empty suitcases in the closet. He decided he liked Blaine. He wondered what Jeff’s roommate was like. “I think I’ll skip the last part.”  
Blaine nodded his agreement, adjusting his sling and quickly checking his tape in the mirror. “Wanna head down to eat? I can finish up later.” He motioned to the clothes that were strewn on his bed, waiting to be hung up.  
“Sure.” Nick nodded, leaving the room with him and walking down the hall. “So what middle school did you go to?”  
“North Westerville Middle. It’s kind of close to here.” Blaine nodded. “You?”  
“South Westerville Middle.” He laughed. “Also close to here.”  
Blaine smiled. “I feel like most of the kids here went to those schools. Private, ridiculously expensive. Can’t expect anything less for sons of senators and businessmen.” He sounded a little bitter about it.  
“Tell me about it. My brother’s running for state office right now.”  
Blaine raised his eyebrows. “Oh, Michael Duval, right? I remember the name. My parents are involved with state politics, too. It’s kind of the worst.” He laughed, and Nick joined him.  
“It’s definitely the worst.”  
They reached the cafeteria and found food and a table, Nick watching the students move around them. Most had changed into their uniforms. It wasn’t just freshmen, there were students from all grades, and it was easy to pick out who was new, because they wore the same expression as Nick. Awestruck, a little intimidated.   
“There you are.” Jeff sat down at the table with his roommate, Trent, who seemed pretty shy, but friendly nonetheless.   
“I’m Blaine.” Blaine smiled at the pair, and waved.  
“Was move in day pretty rough?” Jeff motioned to Blaine’s cut and arm, and Blaine laughed softly.  
“Just a little. No, these are from about a week ago.”   
Jeff waited a beat for details, but didn’t get any, so kept going. “That sucks. I had a cast on my leg a few months ago from performing a heroic act.”  
“He jumped off a swing.” Nick laughed.  
“Heroically.” Jeff added, and Blaine smiled.   
“Oh, you two know eachother?”  
Jeff nodded and smiled. “We do. Since fifth grade.”  
“Yup, and we haven’t gotten sick of eachother yet.” Nick laughed, elbowing Jeff lightly.  
“Emphasis on yet.” Jeff retorted, stealing some of Nick’s food. He had yet to change into uniform, and Nick knew he was avoiding it as long as possible, as Jeff had once again ranted about ties and dress shoes to him just last night.   
Blaine laughed, shaking his head. “That’s great. My close friends all went to different schools.”   
“I’m sure you’re gonna meet a bunch of people here, everyone seems so nice.” Jeff nodded enthusiastically. “I met like, six people just on the walk down the hall.”   
While Nick didn’t have Jeff’s ease in making friends, he could still see what Jeff was saying, the people here did seem nice. Everyone was open to meeting eachother, not separating into cliques like how it was in middle school. “Blaine told me a little more about the Warblers, auditions are tomorrow.” Nick added, and Jeff rubbed his hands together.  
“Just wait ‘til they see what I have in store for them.”   
The cafeteria quieted then, and Nick looked up to see the dean standing at the head of the room, tapping on the microphone jutting off the podium. “Hello, students, welcome to Dalton Academy. And to returning students, welcome back.” This caused applause, especially loud from the upperclassmen. Nick smiled and shifted in his seat excitedly. People liked it here. He was gonna like it here too, he already did. “For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Dean Morgan, I’ve been the dean here for many years, and I’m proud to say that each of you were hand-chosen by my colleagues and myself. You should all give yourselves a round of applause.” They applauded again, Jeff clapping Nick on the back with a grin. “Now, your classes begin tomorrow, and you are all expected to be in the dining hall for breakfast, in uniform, at 7 A.M. sharp.”  
Jeff gave a mock salute, and Nick dragged his hand down. “First impressions, remember?” He muttered, but couldn’t help his laugh.   
The dean spoke for a while longer, going over parts of the handbook and the school’s expectations, but Nick wasn’t listening too closely. He was at Dalton, with Jeff by his side, and had a chance to be in a competitive choir. Everything was good right now, and he soaked up the moment before it was gone. Happiness often felt fleeting for him. But he had high hopes for this year.

-

“Next!”  
Nick adjusted his tie for what must’ve been the thousandth time and glanced to Jeff. “I don’t think I’m ready.”  
Jeff watched the next person go into the choir room before giving Nick a look. “We didn’t practice in my dorm until two A.M. last night for you to say you’re not ready.”   
They were auditioning solo, but had still practiced together the night before, and luckily Trent was also auditioning and didn’t mind being kept up late by their rehearsing. Well, Nick’s rehearsing. Jeff hadn’t shown Nick what he was doing yet. “Blaine told me last night that it was really hard to get into-”  
“Yeah, it is. But you’re really talented and will make the cut.” Jeff said simply and shrugged.   
Nick appreciated Jeff’s support, but it didn’t quell his anxiety. He really wanted this. “Thanks. You will, too.” Jeff gave a smile and winked.   
The choir room door opened again. “Next!”   
Blaine was next, he had been waiting away from the rest of them, practicing under his breath. Nick bet he was really good. Or at least, really competitive. “Good luck.” Nick said quickly, and Blaine flashed a smile. He didn’t seem nervous. He actually seemed pretty confident.   
“You guys too.” He smiled and gave a thumbs up with his good hand, disappearing into the choir room.   
“He seems like a good guy.” Jeff smiled, and Nick agreed.  
“So does Trent.”  
“Yeah, but he’s no Nick Duval.”   
Nick bit his lip against a smile and faced forward again. He didn’t know if his butterflies were from Jeff or from the audition. Both, probably.   
Time seemed to pass in a millisecond, and before he knew it, one of the Warblers was calling next, and Nick was standing up. He registered Jeff squeeze his hand. “You’ve got this.” Jeff smiled at him, and Nick nodded, lifting his chin a little and entering the choir room.   
The room was fairly full, and while he didn’t recognize anyone, they seemed friendly. But the council was definitely intimidating. Blaine had told him about how the Warblers worked, with a sort of board of captains, something about distribution of power and the strength of democracy. Jeff had laughed at that. There were three guys behind the head table, and they introduced themselves as Derek, Bradley, and Malcolm. “Nicholas Duval?” Malcolm smiled, and Nick nodded.  
“Nick, yeah.”   
“What song have you prepared?” Bradley spoke, and Nick cleared his throat.   
“Stars, from Les Mis.” It had taken him hours to pick it, but he felt confident in the choice. He knew it well, it was a safety, but he didn’t want to afford a risk.   
The Warblers nodded, and Nick wished he had any sort of background music, but they were an acapella group and hadn’t arranged the song, so he was going to have to do it stripped. “There, out in the darkness, a fugitive running. Fallen from God, fallen from grace.”  
He slowly became more comfortable, focusing on the song instead of the intent faces in the room, and was able to sing a little louder as he went on, more confidently. “Stars, in your multitudes scarce to be counted, filling the darkness with order and light. You are the sentinels, silent and sure, keeping watch in the night.”  
He didn’t look to see the Warblers’ reactions, just closed his eyes as he came to the finish. “Lord, let me find him. That I may see him safe behind bars. I will never rest ‘til then, this I swear.” He took a deep breath. “This I swear by the stars!” He held his last note, and when his eyes opened, he was relieved to see the council was smiling.   
The other Warblers clapped, and Nick smiled breathlessly. Malcolm quieted them by tapping a gavel against the wooden table. “That was great, Nick. Very strong. Look for the list tomorrow to see if you made the cut.” Malcolm smiled, and Nick nodded quickly.   
“Thank you.” He was directed to leave out the back door, and he went out into the hall, finally calming his nerves. He’d done well. He felt good about his performance, and they’d seemed to like it, right? He was filled with energy and wanted to see Jeff, but he was next to audition, so Nick had to wait.  
While he was waiting, Blaine passed him, probably on his way to their room. “Hey, how did your audition go?” Nick asked, and Blaine turned.  
“Oh, well, I think. I could’ve done better. There’s always room for improvement.” He smiled a little and nodded, and Nick got the vibe that it hadn’t gone that well.   
“Is that like, you honestly could’ve done better, or you being hard on yourself?” Nick asked, and Blaine laughed, but in a dull sounding way.   
“My stitches split in the middle of singing.” He motioned to the cut on his cheek, which was covered with a fresh bandage. He must’ve just come from the nurse. “I don’t need to get them redone or anything, the cut was mostly closed. But it started bleeding and it- it definitely threw me off a little.”   
Nick frowned, not knowing what to say. “Well, I’m sure they’ll understand.” He didn’t know Blaine well yet, but he didn’t seem like the type to take failure lightly. He hoped for Blaine’s sake that the council overlooked it.   
Blaine looked disbelieving, but smiled anyways. “Mhm. Yeah, thanks. How did your audition go?”  
He felt bad saying that he thought it went well after hearing Blaine’s story. “Like you said, always room for improvement.”  
Blaine nodded. “Right. Well, I’ll see you back at our room.” He gave a small wave, then continued down the hall.   
Jeff came out a minute later, breathless. Nick laughed, raising his eyebrows. “What did you sing?”  
Jeff grinned, flipping hair off his forehead. “Tightrope, by Janelle Monáe.”  
Nick’s eyebrows rose higher. “Really?” He knew the song, it was fast. And not really one you stood still for while singing. By the looks of it, Jeff definitely hadn’t.  
“Yup.” Jeff smiled. “Choreography like in the music video and everything.”  
Nick laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. Leave it to Jeff to plan a performance. “Wow. What did they think?”  
Jeff shrugged, walking with him down the hall, loosening his tie. “I have no idea. They’re fucking stoic. Some of them joined in on the dance. But not the council guys.”  
Nick nodded. From what Blaine had been telling him, the Warblers didn’t really take well to things that broke their mold. They were pretty firmly rooted in uniformity. He hoped Jeff’s freestyle didn’t end up hurting his chances of getting in. “Huh. Well, if they’re smart, they’ll realize you’re a born star.” Nick teased.  
Jeff laughed and threw his arm over Nick’s shoulders. “I bet you killed it, right? They seemed to be in good moods when I came in after you, did you blow them away?”  
Nick blushed and laughed, shrugging. “I didn’t have a dance routine or anything. So maybe a little unprepared. But I think I pulled it off.”  
“Aye, that’s my boy.” Jeff grinned, fist bumping him. Nick smiled and rolled his eyes.   
“We need to talk about our first day of classes, I was too nervous about the audition to really have a conversation.”   
Jeff nodded. “Meet me in my dorm with a bottle of bubbly.” He said in a french accent, and Nick tilted his head.  
“I’m afraid I don’t stash champagne in my dorm.”  
“I have fruit punch. A little less celebratory, but it’ll work just fine.” Jeff laughed and waved as they reached their dormitory hall. “I’m gonna shower, see you soon.”  
Nick smiled and watched him go, unlocking his dorm and entering. A night spent talking to Jeff seemed like the perfect way to unwind, even if it meant being sleepy for his classes tomorrow. Blaine gave him a smile from his bed, where he was reading something. Nick gave him his space while he changed into pajamas. “Jeff just told me he performed a dance routine for his audition.”  
Blaine laughed softly. “Huh, that’s certainly new. Who knows, maybe the Warblers are searching for a touch of creativity this year.”  
“I hope so.” Nick nodded, hanging his blazer over his desk chair. He hesitated a second before leaving. “Do you wanna come to Jeff’s dorm with me?” He didn’t want Blaine to just sit here alone after what happened. Maybe he needed someone.  
Blaine looked surprised at the offer, and smiled. “Uh- that’s okay, you two have fun. I’m getting pretty tired.”  
Nick nodded, figuring he must want to be alone. “Right. I’ll see you tomorrow then.” They said their goodbyes, and Nick left, thinking about ways to cheer him up. It was odd, having someone as your roommate was like automatically having a friend, and Nick wanted to be there for him. He was still thinking about it when he knocked on Jeff’s door, and Jeff answered with soaking wet hair.   
“Hey, good timing, I just got out.”   
“I can see that.” Nick laughed, passing him and sitting on his bed. “Where’s Trent?”   
“He has a friend that goes here, I think they’re in his dorm.” Jeff shrugged, tossing Nick a Capri-Sun from his little fridge and getting on the bed with him.   
Nick popped the straw and twirled the wrapper in his fingers. “On the topic of roommates, Blaine seems kind of torn up about his audition. He said his stitches split mid-song.”  
Jeff winced. “Yikes. I actually heard a few stories about why he has the stitches in the first place, the cast too.”   
Nick’s interest peaked, but he tried to ignore it. He shouldn’t gossip. “I’m sure they’re not true.”  
“Probably not. They’re not like, venomous rumors or anything, people mostly seem concerned for him. I heard that he got hurt because he got beat up for going to a dance with a boy.”  
He blinked, pausing his fiddling with the wrapper. “Like- as a date?”  
Jeff nodded. “Yup.” Nick leaned back against the headboard. Was Blaine gay? He wanted to talk to him about it. Maybe Blaine struggled with some of the stuff that Nick did. Maybe it would be helpful. Or maybe he shouldn’t bring it up, Blaine should have the right to tell who he wanted to when he wanted to. “Earth to Nick.”  
Nick looked up and refocused. “Sorry, I’m more tired than I thought.” He laughed a little.   
Jeff sipped his drink and shook his head. “Lame.” He tilted his head back to look at the ceiling. “I think there are a lot of gay kids here. There’s that anti-bullying policy, it’s bound to draw in a lot of kids that wouldn’t feel comfortable being out at a public school.”   
Nick nodded, and his heartbeat picked up for some reason. It’s not like Jeff was talking about him. But he still felt completely transparent. “I bet.”  
“That sucks, if it’s true. Getting beat up just for going to a dance with a boy. I hope Blaine got some good hits in.”  
Nick nodded again, watching Jeff talk. Jeff didn’t have any problem with Blaine possibly being gay. He’d probably be fine with Nick being gay, too. In a sudden surge of adrenaline, he wanted to tell him. “Jeff?”  
Jeff crumpled up his empty juice pouch and looked to him. “Yeah?”  
And just like that, he faltered, and backed down. “I- just wanted to say that I think this year is gonna be good. I’m glad we’re at Dalton together.”  
Jeff smiled. “Weirdo, that was off topic. But I definitely agree.” He lifted his empty drink. “Here’s a toast to freshmen year, and it not sucking.”  
Nick lifted his as well and laughed, throwing it out with Jeff’s. “Cheers.”  
They got around to talking about their classes, and Nick could relax again, eventually laying back and just listening to Jeff talk. Jeff never minded when Nick got quiet, he was good at filling the silence, in a way that wasn’t irritating. He liked the sound of Jeff’s voice. He slowly drifted off, and somewhere between waking and sleep, he felt Jeff lay next to him, falling asleep with his arm over Nick’s waist. It didn’t mean anything to Jeff, he was just a touchy kind of person. But Nick didn’t care, he was just content to be so close to him. 

-

“Rise and shine, the list is up.”  
Nick woke to Jeff shaking him, and he rubbed his eyes groggily. “What time is it?”  
“Five in the morning, come on.” Jeff clapped. “Let’s be the first to see it.”   
Nick laughed, yawning. “Since when are you the morning person in this relationship?”  
Jeff laughed, leaning against the dresser. “Since I have something to wake up to.”   
He smiled and got up. “I have to go to my dorm and get dressed.”   
“Just come in your pjs, we’ll only be a second. Then we can come back and get dressed for class or whatever boring thing that’s happening today.”   
Nick rolled his eyes and smiled, adjusting his sleep-messy hair. “Get motivated about school.”  
Jeff snorted. “You sound like a library poster.” Nick shrugged and left the dorm with him, starting to feel the nerves. What if he didn’t make the cut? What if he did make the cut? Either way, his stomach was turning over as they made their way down the hall to where the list was posted on the choir room door. “Hey, by the way.” Jeff grabbed his arm to stop him for a second, and Nick stopped short. “No matter what that list says, you’re talented, okay?” Jeff was doing his infamous eye contact, and again, Nick felt like Jeff could read him like an open book. “You work hard and I listened to you rehearse, you kill that song everytime. You’re good. Just remember that.”   
Nick blushed red and nodded slowly. “Thanks, Jeff. You are, too. I hope they appreciate your creativity.” He laughed softly, and Jeff squeezed the arm he was still holding.  
“Alright, enough with the sappiness now.” Jeff laughed, Nick protesting that he started it and following him to the list.  
He took a deep breath before scanning the list, running his finger along the names. There were only a handful of names listed, but Nick knew at least thirty kids had auditioned. Anxiety gripped his heart, and he started to read. And then he read it again. Then one more time to be sure.  
He wasn’t there.  
“Jesus, Blaine wasn’t kidding about it being hard to get into.” Jeff blew out a breath. He wasn’t there either.  
Nick shook his head a little. “That’s… I really thought I would make it.”   
Jeff put his arm over Nick’s shoulders. “Remember what I said, okay? Three stuck-up council members don’t decide if you’re talented or not.”  
“Clearly they do.” Nick murmured, but Jeff’s arm was a comfort, and he couldn’t help but lean into him a little. “I’m sorry you didn’t make it either.”  
“The Warblers aren’t ready for us yet.” Jeff smiled, turning them back down the hall and walking to the dorms with him. “We’ll re-audition and be even better.” The next audition date was in a month, the Warblers held them fairly frequently, but were picky about who passed. Nick nodded a little and let Jeff be optimistic. He was probably right, they’d keep re-auditioning and they’d get better. But right now, he just felt discouraged. He couldn’t imagine what he could do next time to improve, he’d already used the song he was most familiar with. “Chin up, Prince of Ohio.” Jeff bumped Nick’s chin, and Nick smiled reluctantly.   
“See you in class.”   
They parted when Jeff went to his dorm and Nick retreated to his own. He’d pick a new song right away. He’d start practicing and get better than he was before. Maybe he could even ask a council head where he went wrong and adjust those things. No giving up. He unlocked his door and quickly showered once he got inside, dressing in his uniform afterwards and putting a smile on. He’d come back from this.  
“Hey Nick.”  
He heard Blaine enter the dorm and leaned out of their bathroom. “Hey, did you look at the list?” He couldn’t even remember if he’d seen Blaine’s name on it.   
“Yeah.” Blaine said casually, and Nick prodded for details.  
“And? Did you make it?”  
Blaine shook his head a little. “No. Well- yes, I did. But I said no.”  
Nick stared at him. “What? Why?”  
Blaine shrugged. “I only made the cut because they felt bad. I know I wasn’t good enough to get in, not with that mistake.” He motioned to his bandage. “I’m gonna re-audition next month. I’ll be out of this cast and I’ll be ready to give a performance that’s worth it.”  
Nick was still a little shocked. He crossed his arms. “Blaine… I think you should go back and say yes.” He couldn’t fathom why Blaine would turn it down. Even after hearing his reasoning.  
“No, if I’m gonna get in, I’m getting in on merit, not some pity technicality because they feel bad for the gay kid whose stitches ripped mid-audition.” His roommate was prideful, most kids from families like Nick and Blaine’s were. And he had also just admitted he was gay. Nick was silent a minute, not knowing what to say. Blaine instantly flushed. “Yeah, I’m gay. But I’m out, so it doesn’t matter if you tell. But if you have a problem with it, tell me now.”   
Blaine’s gaze met his steadily. He had fire in his eyes, and Nick knew Jeff’s story must be true. Blaine had been pushed around for his sexuality, and he wasn’t accepting it anymore. “I don’t have a problem with it.” Nick said softly, and Blaine visibly relaxed.  
“Okay. Well, good.” He nodded a little, then gestured to his cast and bandage. “This is- because of it. I tried to go to a school dance with my friend, Tyler.” Blaine laughed humorlessly. “I should’ve known. There were kids that had a problem with it. All we did was hold hands.” He got quiet, clearly remembering it. “We got beat up by a whole group of kids. Tyler ended up with a concussion. They just… had at it. Kicking us, punching us. Like we weren’t even human.”  
Nick felt cold, his stomach twisting. He was speechless. To think that kids their age could be so cruel. To think that wasn’t even the worst case scenario for people like him, for people like them. “That’s awful.” He sat down on the bed next to Blaine. If Nick was Jeff, he would’ve hugged Blaine, or rubbed his back, or taken his hand. But Nick was more accustomed to the non-physical support, and being next to Blaine was enough. “I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to go through that.”  
Blaine shrugged, wiping his eyes discreetly. “That’s why I’m here. I’m not going to get bullied or hurt. That’s not happening again.”  
He said it with such determination that Nick believed him, and he admired him for it. “Call me for backup if you need it.” He smiled a little, and Blaine laughed under his breath.  
“Thank you. Really.”   
Nick nodded. He could learn from Blaine, he realized. How to be out and proud, even if you were scared. But now wasn’t the time for that conversation. “Let’s get some breakfast.”  
Blaine agreed and stood with him, straightening his uniform and pressing his fingers to his bandage to make sure it was still on. “I didn’t see yours and Jeff’s names up there, I’m sorry.”  
“Oh, it’s okay. We’ll re-audition.” Nick nodded, leaving with him. “We’ll be even better.” He repeated what Jeff had told him, and Blaine smiled.  
“We’ll be even better.” 

-

 

After a few weeks, all the newcomers were settled in, and everyone was becoming fast friends. Especially their hall of dorms, people got used to hanging out in eachother’s rooms until curfew (which was easy to get around, lucky for them). Jeff was more social than him, making wide groups of friends just like he had in middle school, but Nick liked having his few close friendships better. Jeff brought his guitar into Nick and Blaine’s dorm a lot and they would practice for their next audition, or they’d go down to the commons, where there was a piano, and Blaine would play and they’d practice there.  
“I wish I could play an instrument.” Nick commented as he walked to class with Jeff, and his friend grinned.   
“You don’t need to, you’re talented enough with your mouth.”  
Nick pushed him and laughed, as usual, hiding his blush with a turn of his head and a retort. “Are you saying you’re not talented with yours?”  
Jeff winked. “I make up for it with my fingers.” He pretended to play a guitar, and Nick just shook his head as he smiled. His crush remained, as much as he tried to push it down. There just wasn’t anybody like Jeff. And he felt so close to him. And he was so funny and sweet, ever since he’d known him. And he-  
“Nick, Jeff , hey.”   
They stopped walking, Jeff responding to the voice first. “Oh, Malcolm. What’s up?” Nick remembered him from the council and waved a little. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t still a little upset from the rejection.   
“Not much, on my way to Calculus.” Malcolm nodded and then tilted his head. “You guys are planning on re-auditioning, right? Because we’re hosting them next week.”  
Nick nodded. “Yeah, definitely.” He paused a second, then asked what he’d been wondering since he read the list. “I don’t really know what to perform, though. What should I work on? What are you guys looking for?”  
Malcolm smiled. “You were amazing. One of the best by far. But you just didn’t- sell it, you know? So many people auditioned with those classic songs, but it didn’t mean anything to you, did it?”  
He shrugged a little. “I mean, not really, no. I just sang it because I thought it might sound good.”  
“It did. But we want people with passion. People that feel connected to the songs, that truly use music for something more than just the sake of sounding good.” Malcolm nodded, and Jeff laughed beside him.  
“Bullshit. You guys don’t care about passion, you care about people touch-stepping in sync and not standing out from your line of robots.”  
Nick was surprised for a second, but then nodded a little. “It does seem like you guys want… uniformity rather than originality.”  
Malcolm sighed. “Between you and me, I know that. I voted for you guys, but it’s a council, majority rules. And the majority didn’t want to stray from tradition.” He motioned to Jeff. “That’s why you didn’t get in. But believe me, your choreo was awesome. I loved it.”  
Jeff smiled a little proudly, but still stood his ground. “Then what about Nick? He didn’t do anything crazy.”  
“You have potential, Nick.” Malcolm looked to him, offering a smile. “We need lead singers for when the seniors leave. Not everyone will be touch-stepping.” He laughed softly. “We want more from you.”  
“And less from me.” Jeff cut in, and Malcolm chuckled.   
“It’s a strange balance, I know. Yes, show how well you can work with a group, be someone that can blend in with a team. But at the same time, give us something extra that puts you ahead.”   
Nick considered this. It made sense. It was just tricky to fall into that mix that they wanted. A strange balance, for sure. “Thanks. I’ll have something ready.”  
Jeff nodded in agreement. “See you next week.”  
“Good luck, both of you.” Malcolm waved, heading back on his way to class.  
They started walking again. “So they want us to blend it, but stand out?” Jeff huffed. “Everybody’s a critic.” Nick nodded, but was busy thinking of what he could sing. Something deeper, something that meant something to him. He watched Jeff talk, at how his mouth quirked up and how he flicked his hair off his face and how he spoke with his hands, and he knew what song he’d do. “Well I’m choreographing a new dance, they can deal with it.” Jeff continued. “They’ll see.”  
Nick laughed and nodded. “If anyone can swing them, it’s you.”  
Jeff smiled and blew him a kiss. “Why thank you, my biggest fan.”  
Nick pretended to catch the kiss and toss it away. “Gotta go to class.”  
“That could be worth a lot someday!” Jeff gasped as Nick went to class, waving over his shoulder. He was eager to get back to his room and start rehearsing. This would be his best performance yet. But also, his most terrifying.

-

“Welcome back, Nick.”  
Nick stood in front of the Warblers, doing his best to keep his breathing steady and his hands still. He’d nail this audition. He just had to let his guard down. That was the hardest thing for him to do. “Hi. Thanks for giving me another chance.”  
Malcolm gave him a warm smile, Nick nodded to show he’d taken his advice. “What will you be singing for us today?”  
“Heaven, by Troye Sivan.” The first time he’d heard it, the message had been clear. He was definitely opening up, reaching somewhere emotional. The Warblers nodded for him to begin, and he took a final deep breath. They might catch on, they might not. But he was doing this for himself now. “The truth runs wild, like a tear down a cheek. Trying to save face and daddy heartbreak, I’m lying through my teeth.” It wasn’t like the last time he auditioned. He didn’t spend the whole song worrying about what the Warblers thought, or analyzing their reactions. He slipped into the song like it was an extension of himself. 

This voice inside  
Has been eating at me  
Trying to replace the love that I fake  
With what we both need

 

The truth runs wild  
Like kids on concrete  
Trying to sedate, my mind in its cage  
And numb what I see

 

Awake, wide eyed  
I'm screaming at me  
Trying to keep faith and picture his face  
Staring up at me

 

Without losing a piece of me  
How do I get to heaven?  
Without changing a part of me  
How do I get to heaven?  
All my time is wasted  
Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh  
So if I'm losing a piece of me  
Maybe I don't want heaven?

He suddenly heard the sound of voices joining in, and realized they were singing the backup harmony. He didn’t think they usually joined in on auditions. His heart swelled. “So I’m counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen.” Nick sang, the Warblers keeping the harmony in the back.   
The room quieted again when he came to the close of the song. “So if I’m losing a piece of me…” He breathed out slow, and he could feel that his eyes were teary. “Maybe I don’t want heaven.”  
The room was silent, enough to hear a pin drop, and then the slow start of applause that grew louder and louder. Nick smiled through the tears that were coming now, wiping his eyes quickly. He knew not everyone got the message in the song. But they stood as they applauded, and his heart was warm. “Thank you.”  
Malcolm spoke when the applause died down. “That was exactly what we were looking for, Nick. You’ve got something special.”   
Nick nodded and tried to restrain from cheering, his hands shaking a bit still. “Thank you so much.” He said again, breathless.  
“Results are up tomorrow.” Malcolm smiled in a way that said Nick should already know the answer.   
Nick nodded and thanked the rest of the Warblers as he headed out, leftover adrenaline making his heart race. Like last time, he felt confident about his audition. But it was in a different way. He wasn’t confident because he did something he thought it would mean something to the council, he was confident because he did something that meant something to him. 

-

“Nicholas Duval, you have some explaining to do.”  
Usually, the context of this kind of phrase wouldn’t be good. But this was an exception. Because it was said by Jeff, who was standing in his doorway with a handful of flowers. “No idea what you’re talking about.” Nick closed his laptop and swiveled to face him in his desk chair.  
“Tell me why I had to find out from Trent that you made the Warblers?” Jeff laughed, shaking his head. “You’re my best friend, I should be the first to know!”  
Nick’s heart flipped just at hearing the words out loud. He’d made the Warblers. He’d checked the list a few hours ago, and after seeing his name, he couldn’t stop smiling. He’d made it. So had Blaine, who was currently MIA, and a few other students he didn’t know. But Jeff hadn’t. “Sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t want to seem like I was bragging.”  
“You should be bragging.” Jeff laughed, then handed him the flowers. “Congrats, dude. I stole these from one of the arrangements outside, don’t snitch.”  
Nick smiled widely, taking the flowers. They were yellow. “Remember when you told me that yellow was the best?”  
Jeff laughed and sat on Nick’s bed. “It still is.”  
Nick put the flowers in the pencil cup on his desk. It was his favorite color since Jeff had said it. “You’re gonna make it next time. I know it.”  
His friend waved him off. “No big deal. More time to work on new steps.” Nick admired that Jeff could always be optimistic, even when it wasn’t fully real.  
He pulled a flower from the cup and gave it to Jeff, giving him a gentle smile. “Well, I’m sure you stunned them this time around. Can I have an encore?”  
Jeff laughed and took the flower. “Regifting my own present? Tacky, Duval.” He stood from Nick’s bed and put the stem in his mouth, moving his hips like he was dancing the tango. “It went a little something like this.” Jeff spoke around the stem, grabbing Nick’s hand and pulling him to his feet, dancing with him around the dorm.  
Nick laughed, letting Jeff lead him, their hands clasped together and arms outstretched, doing their best to mirror a ballroom dance. “You did not do this in front of the Warblers.”  
He dipped Nick and grinned, flower still hanging from his mouth. “No, I just wanted to see the look on your face.”  
Nick was still holding him tightly, laughing breathlessly as he hovered above the floor. “Don’t drop me.”  
Jeff smiled and pulled him back up, doing some series of complicated footwork and tossing the flower in the air. “Never.”  
He collapsed on the bed after, Nick following suit. “Rehearsals won’t be fun without you.”   
Jeff shrugged. “Sure they will. You’ll be doing what you love.”  
But not with who I love, he added in his head. He startled himself a little with the use of the word love. Sure, they said they loved eachother all the time, but not in the way his subconscious just spilled. As much as he tried to ignore his feelings, they just got more overwhelming. It was Jeff’s fault for making him feel those things. “Still.”  
“Do you still have that shirt I gave you last Christmas? With the signatures?” Jeff smiled, and Nick nodded. Of course he did. “This is your first step to the big time, I told you you’d be famous when I gave that to you.”  
“It’s a highschool choir.” Nick laughed, flicking Jeff’s forehead.  
Jeff batted him away. “Don’t minimize this, you always do that.”   
Nick bit his lip and smiled a little. “It’s just not that big of a deal-”  
“Yes, it is.” Jeff smiled at him in that way he did so easily. “So shut up and recognize that you’re going places.”  
“I don’t appreciate being told to shut up.” Nick teased, and Jeff laughed.   
“I’ll make you.”  
He reddened and picked up the flower from where it had fallen, keeping his hands busy with it. “Have you talked to Sadie at all this year?”  
Jeff shook his head. “Not really. I don’t think I’m the type to do long distance. I want to be with someone I can like, spend all my time with.”  
Nick nodded, smiling a little. “That’s understandable.”  
Jeff plucked a petal off the flower. “She loves me, she loves me not.” Nick suddenly remembered the last time they’d played this game, somewhere in the summer after sixth grade. They’d sat on the steps of Jeff’s little yellow house and pulled all the petals off a flower, Nick wondering why he didn’t have a crush on any girls yet. It seemed like a million years ago.  
“Don’t get petals all over my bed.” Nick smiled, but picked off a few. “She loves me, she loves me not.” Jeff ripped off about seven, fluttering them over Nick’s duvet. “Okay, I definitely don’t love you.” Nick laughed, brushing them off his bed.  
“Yes, you do.” Jeff smiled and kept pulling the petals. “Nick loves me, he loves me more, he loves me, he loves me more-” He sighed and smiled, letting him go through to the last petal. “Awe, you just plain love me.”  
“In your dreams.”   
“Maybe.” Jeff hopped up, going to the door. “I promised Trent I’d help him with chemistry homework. Tell Blaine I say congrats.” He smiled as he left, Nick calling bye after him.  
He picked up all the petals, putting them in the cup with the flowers. He didn’t want to throw them away. For the thousandth time, he let his imagination wander, and he considered what it would be like if Jeff had given him those flowers romantically. If Jeff had kissed him after he gave them to him, or said he was proud of his boyfriend. It was too good to be true, and he squashed the feelings as he opened his laptop again and set back to work. He shouldn’t be greedy. He was lucky just to have Jeff as his friend.

-

There was nothing better than going to Warblers rehearsals. He loved everything about them. The people, the music, the way there was always a kind of harmony in the background even when they weren’t rehearsing.   
“You just get better everyday.” Malcolm sat next to him on the couch, the Warblers still running songs around them.  
It was the day before they left for Thanksgiving break, and it was hard to believe the time had passed so quickly. “Thank you.” Nick smiled, ducking his head bashfully. He hoped Malcolm was telling the truth, he’d been practicing a ton.  
“Sure.” He patted Nick’s back. “Plans for Thanksgiving break?”   
Nick shrugged. “Not really.” It would be the first time he saw his parents since moving into school. He wasn’t looking forward to it.   
Malcolm smiled. “Good food at least?”  
“Hopefully.” Nick laughed, then stood as the bell rang to dismiss them. “I hope you have a nice break.”  
Malcolm nodded as he stood with him, squeezing his arm. “You too. Maybe we could see eachother at some point.”  
Immediately, his brain kicked into overanalysis. See eachother as friends? As a date? Nick laughed a little, glancing to his hand and then meeting his eyes. “Uhm, yeah. That could be cool.” Malcolm smiled and waved as he left. Nick touched his arm where Malcolm had just touched it. Don’t overthink it, Nick.   
“Come on, we gotta pack and be out of here by five.” Blaine was by his side then, and Nick shook himself from his thoughts, following him out.  
“I wish we could stay here.”  
Blaine nodded his agreement. “Family dinner feels more like a formal obligation than fun.”  
“Definitely.” He was glad Blaine understood. Jeff was so excited to go home that Nick almost felt guilty for feeling so aversed to it. He wished he had a better relationship with his parents. But he wouldn’t wish for Jeff’s relationship with his father, so he’d count his blessings.   
They reached their dorm and worked on packing up. Nick was leaving most of his things in his dorm, but was taking home some laundry and his school stuff. Dalton definitely did not let up on homework over breaks. “Knock knock!” Jeff walked in dragging a duffel bag behind him. “Chop chop Duval, my mom’s out front to drive us home.”  
Blaine laughed and greeted Jeff quickly. “I’ll see you guys next week.”  
Nick closed his suitcase and gave Blaine a brief hug. “See you next week. I hope you survive your family.”   
“Same to you.” Blaine laughed and waved as the pair left, Jeff with extra bounce in his step.   
“I think a bunch of family on my mom’s side is coming over for Thanksgiving.” Jeff smiled. “You need to meet them, they’re so great.”  
Nick shrugged. “Sure, when?”  
“Come for Thanksgiving dinner.” Jeff smiled, picking up his pace when they saw Amy’s car.  
“No, Thanksgiving is a family day.” Nick protested, though the idea sounded wonderful.  
Jeff looked at him. “Exactly.” He laughed. “You’ve always been family.”  
Nick stood by the car while Jeff greeted his mother, a stupid smile growing on his face. Jeff considered him family. When Amy hugged him and Jeff put his luggage into the trunk for him, Nick knew he considered them family, too.

-

“Pass the butter!”  
“I’m not eating peas mom, never!”  
“Okay, that’s definitely not how you cook a turkey.”  
Jeff’s house was a bit of a whirlwind. To start, there was probably too many people in too small of a space. But it didn’t feel claustrophobic. It felt… homey. Like he was really surrounded by love. Everyone on Amy’s side of the family was similar to her and Jeff; sweet, open, and definitely outgoing. He immediately felt like he’d known them all forever. He couldn’t say the same for his own family.  
“Love, can you help me prep this?” One of Jeff’s aunts, Aunt Mary, beckoned for Nick to help at the counter. Jeff was off playing hide-n-seek with his cousins, so Nick complied, going to her and taking a knife from the block. It had been easy to convince his parents to let him spend Thanksgiving at Jeff’s, because as it turns out, they were headed to a hosted dinner today anyways. No children allowed.   
“Just cutting them up?” Nick asked, already starting to work on cutting the array of vegetables lined up on the cutting board.   
“Just like that, thank you.” Mary smiled, working on another pile. “You must be the boy Jeff is always talking about.”  
He hid his blush with a duck of his head, focusing on the task at hand and trying not to smile too wide, as if he’d give away his secret. “Hopefully he’s saying all good things.”  
“Non-stop.” Mary laughed. “How is Dalton treating you?”  
“I love it there. I’m learning a lot. I’m really grateful I have the opportunity to attend.” He nodded. He was also really grateful that Jeff got to attend.   
She smiled and put some of the vegetables in a bowl for a salad. “Your father’s in politics, right? Think you’ll head down that road?”  
“No.” His answer was quick and reflexive. He covered quickly though. “I haven’t quite thought about my career path, but I think I’ve had enough politics to last me a lifetime.” Nick laughed a little, looking up when Jeff burst into the kitchen.  
“Save me!” He laughed, his cousin right behind him as he grabbed Nick and used him like a shield.   
“No fair!” The ten-year-old stomped his foot and dropped his Nerf gun.  
Jeff grinned and kept Nick close to him. Nick didn’t know if he wanted to push him away or pull him even closer. “How old are you?” Nick laughed, Jeff finally letting go and stealing a handful of the carrots Nick had been working on.  
“Old enough to know that there’s no greater joy than being a kid at heart.” He smirked when Nick rolled his eyes, obviously happy with his retort.  
“Jeff, help Nick finish this.” Mary laughed and bumped the carrots from his hand.  
“Nick does the cooking in this relationship.”   
Nick raised his eyebrows. “Oh, we’re a relationship now?”  
Jeff winked. “Sure.”  
It was a joke. Obviously. And Nick totally knew that. But it didn’t stop his heart from fluttering around his chest like a caged bird. “Well, I guess we’re lucky I’m the chef then, because you can’t cook at all.”  
“I can, I just like to let you serve me.” Jeff teased, then picked up another chopped piece of vegetable and tossing it into Nick’s open mouth.  
Mary watched the whole exchange with a funny sort of smile on her face. It made Nick feel like she knew too much. “Go finish your game of tag or hide-n-seek or whatever.”  
Jeff smiled. “We’re actually playing a new twist on capture the flag with an indoors modification.”  
Nick waved his hand. “That, then.”  
“Just let me know when dinner’s ready.” Jeff blew a kiss, still playing the relationship joke, and Nick caught it and pocketed it with a disapproving look at him. Jeff lifted his hands in surrender and left.  
“Is going to an all-boys school rough on your dating life?” Mary teased then, and Nick wasn’t stupid, he knew that she was trying to subtly figure out if he was gay, if there was any truth to the relationship joke.   
It was strange, it was moments like these where he was so compelled to just come out. It would be casual, it would fit into conversation. No, it’s not rough on my dating life, because I don’t date girls. But it wasn’t as simple as that. He almost stuttered as he responded. “Oh, I’m really trying to focus on classes and all right now. The course load is insane.”  
She nodded, and if she was disappointed she didn’t find the answer she was fishing for, she didn’t show it. But it was strange, she didn’t seem accusatory or mad. Just curious. No judgement. The oven timer went off then, and they worked on taking the turkey out and bringing it to the table, along with all the side dishes. Jeff sat next to Nick and they talked with his family through dinner. Nick had never felt more welcome.   
“Please, take leftovers.” Amy was already pushing containers into his hands after dinner was over, Jeff laughing.  
“Easy, mom.” He pulled Nick away. “He’s got food at his own house.”   
Nick rolled his eyes and smiled at her gratefully. “Thanks, Amy. Everything was delicious.”   
Amy hugged him, careful not to crush the containers between them. “You’re always welcome here, lovebug.”  
Jeff pulled him out of the house, laughing. “Watch out, she’ll adopt you.”  
“I wouldn’t mind.”  
“How are you gonna bike home with the leftovers?” Jeff tilted his head, and Nick shrugged.   
“I’ll manage.”  
“Let’s hang out tomorrow, then. Most of my family will still be here, we can get a game of football going in the park.”   
Idly, Nick remembered how he’d told Malcolm they might hang out this week. “I might have plans.”  
Jeff made a face. “Yeah, your plans are to be my quarterback.”  
“No, different plans.”  
“Kicker?”  
Nick pushed his shoulder, smiling. “Plans with Malcolm.”  
Jeff looked momentarily put off. “Oh, sure.”  
Why did it suddenly feel awkward? He felt like he needed to explain himself. “We talk a lot at Warblers rehearsals, so I just- he asked if we could hang out this week.” He said lamely, Jeff nodding.  
“Oh, right.”  
“Maybe you can come, I bet some other Warblers will be there.” He tried, and Jeff laughed a little.  
“I won’t intrude. I’m not part of the group.”  
It almost sounded like he was… jealous. “You will be soon, I know they think you’re talented-”  
Jeff was already stepping back onto the porch. “Nah, they don’t want people like me. They’re never gonna accept anything different than their old traditions.”  
“That’s not true, they’re changing. They’re not like that.” Nick couldn’t help but be defensive.   
Jeff just laughed. Not his usual laugh. This one was bitter. “Of course you say that, you got in.”  
“I got in because I’m good. I worked hard.”  
Right after he said it, Jeff’s expression made him want to take it back. “So I’m not good, then. And I don’t work hard.” Jeff shook his head, looking defeated.  
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He muttered.  
“Alright, Nick. I have to go. Maybe practice more, so I can be good enough for your group.” Jeff walked inside the house and closed the door without saying goodbye.  
Nick swallowed. He was too prideful to knock on the door and tell him he was wrong, the Warblers were wary of change, and of course Jeff was talented. So he got on his bike, struggling to carry the leftovers as he pedaled home, wind biting his ears and cheeks. Fighting with Jeff made his heart ache. He hated it. He hated himself for giving them something to fight over.  
He reached home and shoved the leftovers in the fridge, texting Malcolm as he walked upstairs to his room.

To: Malcolm 8:37 PM  
Hey, hanging out sounds good. How’s tomorrow?

Malcolm’s response was pretty quick.

To: Nick 8:39 PM  
That sounds perfect, I’ll pick you up?

Nick texted him his address and then turned his phone off. Why did it feel strangely like cheating? He fell asleep after a long time of staring at the ceiling. He vaguely remembered when his life didn’t feel so complicated.

 

-

“Thanks for getting me.” Nick smiled as he got in the car. Malcolm was a junior and had his license already, as well as a really nice car that matched with Nick’s parents’ shiny cars in the driveway.   
“No problem.” Malcolm shook his head, pulling out of the driveway and heading down the street. “How was your Thanksgiving?”   
He thought about his and Jeff’s fight. “It was okay. Yours?”  
“Okay. Good food, that’s the most you can hope for, right?” Malcolm laughed, and Nick chuckled.  
“I guess so.” He discreetly checked his phone. He knew it was rude, and didn’t even really care.   
Malcolm didn’t miss it, though. “Waiting to hear from someone?”  
Nick blushed, looking up. “Uhm, yeah. Kind of.”  
“Jeff?”  
He looked at him. “How did you know?”  
Malcolm just laughed. “It’s rare to see you two apart, I can only assume you’re in touch all the time.” He shrugged, laughing a little. He didn’t really know what to say. “Can I ask you something?” Malcolm said then, glancing off the road to look at him for a second.  
Nick’s heart thrummed. “Uh huh.”  
“Were you and Jeff ever…. you know, a thing?”   
“No.” He answered, and his face felt overheated. He wasn’t lying. So why did he feel like he was?   
Malcolm laughed, not noticing Nick’s change in demeanor. “Oh, okay. I just thought you two might have dated a while, you’re really close and all.”  
He tried not to be defensive. “Yeah. But he’s straight. So.” Nick kept his gaze rooted to the windshield. He hoped by not saying he was straight as well, Malcolm would get the hint. That combined with the song he’d re-auditioned with.  
“So you’re single?”  
“Yeah?” That caught him off guard. Why did Malcolm care?  
“So… can I officially call this a date?” Malcolm’s smile was bright, but Nick’s smile seemed to slip off his face.   
“I’m not…” He trailed off, not even sure what to say. He didn’t like Malcolm like that. He was pretty sure he’d be pining after Jeff until he died. And he wasn’t ready to be out in front of the whole school. He was going to come out in his own way, alone. “Malcolm, you’re really nice. You’ve been sweet to me-”  
“Oh, no, it’s fine.” Malcolm interrupted him, the tone of his voice suggesting that he wasn’t really fine, and actually pretty hurt. “No worries. I figured I’d go out on a limb. You’re one of the good ones.”   
They both laughed, awkward and quiet, and Nick wished his car door would swing open and he could roll out onto the road. “I’m just- I’m not really officially out yet, and stuff. But you’re great. Any guy would be lucky to have you.”  
“Except you.”  
He reddened. “If circumstances were different…” If he hadn’t met Jeff Sterling.  
Malcolm nodded his understanding. “Well, let’s not waste the day. I have a great spot I want to take you to.”   
Nick also nodded, settling back for the ride. He wanted to be his friend still. Malcolm was being cool about it. It was hard to process that Malcolm even had feelings for him, Nick had never considered anyone outside of Jeff. He checked his phone again. No texts.   
He realized he wouldn’t have a good day as long as he knew Jeff was upset with him. He made sure his ringer was on so he didn’t miss anything, and then tried to focus on what Malcolm was trying to talk to him about. Maybe he really would be pining after his friend forever. It was disheartening to know that he’d rather that then nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was definitely longer than I expected to post, but I had to get some basics in there! Next chapter has a lot more drama, a lot more feelings, and a lot more Warblers.
> 
> I mentioned the song Heaven by Troye Sivan in this chapter, give it a listen!


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not as frighteningly long as my last one, promise. A warning: this chapter does contain brief reference to past abuse. If that's a trigger for you, keep it in mind! But like I said, it is only mention of past, just note that.  
> That being said, here is chapter six!
> 
> I don't own Glee. (:

Nick came to find that not talking to Jeff on a daily basis was strange. Also, lonely. So incredibly lonely. Their fights never lasted this long. In fact, they never had fights to begin with. Nick wasn’t sure what to do. And maybe Jeff wasn’t either, because now they didn’t talk like they used to. It was like there was this… thing between them, for lack of a better word. This distance that was unfamiliar for them. Jeff felt like Nick had moved on. And it was ironic, because Nick felt utterly friendless.

“Nick, I’m not the type to do this. But I think you need an intervention.”

Blaine was sitting cross-legged on his bed, staring at him with that wise look no teenager should be capable of having. “An intervention for what?”

“You and Jeff.” Blaine shrugged. Nick winced. It had been a couple weeks since their fight, but it felt like an eternity. He’d told Blaine a little bit about it, he’d been too visibly upset to hide it. He said that Jeff felt left out of the Warblers, which wasn’t necessarily true. Nick had messed up by implying Jeff didn’t deserve it how Nick did. And that crushed Nick, he felt awful. But he was prideful, and he was scared to address it. 

“We don’t need an intervention, but thanks for your concern.” Nick smiled a little, but Blaine pressed on.

“You guys have always been so close, you shouldn’t let this come between you guys.” 

Blaine’s intentions were well-meant, they always were, but Nick wished he’d stop talking about it. “I know. I want to be friends with him again, of course. But it just feels weird.”

Blaine nodded. “Fair enough. When is he re-auditioning for the Warblers? Maybe once he’s in you guys won’t feel so distanced.”

“Do you think the Warblers will ever let him in? They don’t seem to like that he’s not one to blend in with a group.” That was Nick’s favorite thing about him. 

Blaine considered. “I think they’re coming around. Maybe we could vote on it. We’re a democracy.” Nick made a face. “Okay, we’re trying to be.”

Nick sighed and laid back on his bed. “I don’t know. I just want him back.” His roommate was silent beside him, and Nick knew what that meant. Blaine was wondering if Nick was gay. He’d learned to see the signs. But he didn’t feel like explaining himself. “When’s the next audition?”

“Thursday.” 

Nick nodded, grabbing his phone and drafting a text to Jeff.

‘Hey, auditions are Thursday. I hope you’re going. I was wrong, you deserve to be there as much as the next guy. Maybe more.’ 

He read it over and erased it. 

‘Auditions are Thursday. You should go, blow them all away. You’ll have my vote.’ 

He backspaced that one too. In the end, he sent this:

‘Auditions Thursday. You going?’

He shut his phone off then. He was afraid that Jeff would text back no. He and Blaine said their goodnights, and Nick tried his best to fall asleep. Blaine didn’t say goodnight like how Jeff did. Jeff always tossed in a stupid joke. Or a nickname. And he said ‘I love you’. If Jeff wanted to be his friend again, Nick wouldn’t take that for granted anymore. He would say everything he was feeling this time. He didn’t want to lose him. 

-

“Do you have any idea what he’s going to sing?”

Nick shook his head, checking his phone for the millionth time since their rehearsal had started. They opened for auditions in five minutes. Jeff had texted back that he’d be auditioning, but offered no other details. Blaine, always the voice of reason, guided Nick’s phone down. “Sorry.” Nick muttered, knowing Blaine must’ve seen him check it over and over again.

“He’ll do great. And you can apologize after. You clearly miss him.” Blaine shrugged.

There was no use denying that. Malcolm broke the silence then, hitting the gavel against the wood desk. “Alright Warblers, today is our last round of auditions. After this, we cut off. Next month has many important dates, with Christmas coming up and all the shows that go with it. So let’s see what we’re dealing with here.” Another Warbler opened the door, letting in the first waiting student. He was older looking, like he might be a junior, or even a senior. What if Jeff didn’t get in until he was a senior? His heart sank at the possibility. A handful of other students auditioned, and Nick looked to the clock, getting nervous. Was Jeff bailing? 

And then the doors were opening, and there he was, grin on his face so wide it looked like he wasn’t worried at all. Nick knew better, Jeff had probably rehearsed whatever he was about to do countless times. But he was a good actor. “Good afternoon.”

Malcolm nodded. “Hello, Jeff. What will you be singing for us today?”

“The Room Where it Happens, from Hamilton.” Jeff nodded, and it was a subtle jab to the closed off, exclusive nature of the Warblers, but no one commented. 

“Proceed.” Malcolm gestured for him to start, and Jeff took a deep breath. He made brief eye contact with Nick, and all Nick could do was give a nod. He hoped that Jeff knew it meant it was a good choice, though to be honest, Nick didn’t know if it was. 

“I wanna be in the room where it happens, the room where it happens…” Jeff opted to skip the opening dialogue, jumping to the first chorus and singing it a little slower, as if it were an acoustic version. The Warblers quickly caught on and filled in with backup vocals. 

It was a slightly different version of the song, arranged in a way that cut out most of the dialogue, but the way Jeff did it, you could barely noticed he changed it. He was more than making up for it with, of course, a choreographed dance. “What did they say to you to get you to sell New York City down the river? Did Washington know about the dinner, was there presidential pressure to deliver?” Jeff looked to Nick then, and he knew instantly Jeff wanted him to do Alexander’s part. “Or did you know even then it doesn’t matter where you put the U.S. Capital?”

“‘Cause we’ll have the banks, we’re in the same spot.”

Jeff looked relieved, only flashing a smile for a second before he put his show face back on. “You got more than you gave.”

“And I wanted what I got.” Nick sang the retort, and couldn’t help but notice it’s relevance to their situation. “When you got skin in the game, you stay in the game. But you don’t get a win unless you play in the game. You get love for it, you get hate for it, you get nothing if you-”

“Wait for it, wait for it, wait.” The Warblers filled in, and Nick had always played off Jeff well, they had a strong dynamic, and Jeff had a flair for the dramatic, so Nick did too.  
“God help and forgive me, I wanna build something that’s gonna outlive me, what do you want Burr?”

“What do you want Burr, if you stand for nothing Burr what do you fall for?” They all had joined in for the surge, and then they cut out, and someone flicked the lights out. Nick wasn’t surprised to see a flashlight beam land on Jeff, definitely the work of a Warbler he’d somehow persuaded to help him.

“I, wanna be in the room where it happens, the room where it happens. I… I wanna be in the room where it happens, the room where it happens.” The lights slowly came back up as the Warblers harmonized on the chorus, slowly building it up. “The art of the compromise, hold your nose and close your eyes. We want our leaders to save the day, but we don’t get a say in what they trade away.” Jeff was singing directly to the council now, a bold move, but no one could argue it was inaccurate. “We dream of a brand new start, but we dream in the dark for the most part. Dark as a tomb where it happens, I’ve got to be in the room where it happens!” 

Jeff jumped on the desk for the last chorus, and the Warblers were so into it now they didn’t care, singing with him the final notes. “In the roooooom!” Jeff pointed his fingers to the ceiling. “Click boom!”

The lights cut again after the last definitive note, and the applause was instant. Nick was clapping the loudest of all. When the lights returned, Jeff had returned to the floor, catching his breath and straightening his blazer. “That was… something.” Malcolm spoke first, and it was hard to read if he had enjoyed it, or hated it. 

“Thanks.” Jeff responded, and he was smiling, but he was wringing his hands, nervous.

“The results will be up tomorrow.”

Jeff nodded, thanking them again and heading out the door. Jeff had to make it. He just had to. 

“Alright, I think the council can come to the decision that Jeff is… not cut out for our group.” One of the council members said, and Nick was interrupting before he even realized he was talking.

“What? That performance was amazing.”

Malcolm frowned. “Nick, it was an underhanded blow to everything the Warblers stand for.”

Nick raised his eyebrows. “It was a song about a closed off, elitist group of near tyrants. Is that what the Warblers stand for?”

The other council member shook his head. “No, we are very inclusive. We just have a previous standing tradition-”

“Of turning away anyone unique.” Nick finished, and the Warblers chimed in with similar complaints. Malcolm tapped the gavel.

“Enough, enough.”

“Why don’t we bring it to a vote?” Blaine spoke up, and Nick nodded gratefully.

Malcolm sighed, squaring his shoulders. “All in favor of Jeff joining the Warblers, say ‘aye’

Most everyone in the room said aye, Nick saying it a little louder than a regular volume.

“Then I guess he’s in.” The other council member said, bringing the gavel down somewhat reluctantly. The Warblers clapped, and as soon as they were dismissed, Nick went out to find Jeff. It didn’t take him long, Jeff was leaning against the wall down the hallway. 

Nick went to him, smiling a little. “You were great.”

Jeff shrugged a little. “Thanks for helping me.”

“How did you know I’d sing the part of the song?” Nick leaned against the wall next to him. “What if I was bitter and didn’t play along?”

Jeff chuckled. “You’re Nick Duval. You’re my best friend. I knew you’d have my back.” 

Nick smiled, nodding slowly. “You’re my best friend, too. Even if I was incredibly stupid.”

“So, so stupid.” Jeff laughed, biting his lip. “But I forgive you.”

“I haven’t apologized yet.” Nick pointed out.

“Well, you insulted yourself, so I knew the apology was coming.” Jeff teased, and Nick rolled his eyes fondly.

“I’m sorry, Jeff. Really. You work harder than anyone I know. You deserve to have a spot on that team.” 

Jeff nodded. “Thanks. For sticking up for me in there.”

“Were you eavesdropping?” Nick crossed his arms, and Jeff grinned.

“I may have overheard their decision.”

“I was gonna surprise you with flowers.” Nick laughed. “You’ve ruined it now.”

“Surprising with flowers is my thing, get your own.” Jeff was already walking down the hall, and Nick watched him go, trying not to smile too wide. 

“Chocolate, then?”

“Now you’re talking. But it’s also not really a surprise anymore.” Jeff called over his shoulder. “You’re gonna have to try harder than that to sweep me off my feet.”  
Nick nodded to himself. He would. 

\--------

Though they already knew the outcome, Jeff still dragged Nick to see the list early the next morning, cheering when he saw his name on it. Blaine, who had come along, cheered just as loud as they did. Jeff grabbed Nick into a crushing hug, squeezing him until he was breathless with laughter.

“Congrats, Jeff.” He smiled, Jeff finally releasing him.

“Thank you. I wouldn’t have gotten in without you.” Jeff started, and Nick cut him off.

“No, you would have. You’re talented, and you don’t give up. It took them a while to realize it, but they did.” 

Jeff bit his lip against a smile, nodding. “Well, thanks for waking up early to come check the list, then.”

Nick nodded, and then more students were peeking at the list, so the trio made their way back down the hall. After Jeff was inducted into the group, time flew by. Jeff and Nick were best friends again. They got to do what they loved everyday. Christmas break rolled around, and Nick didn’t even want to leave the campus. Things were going so well. He was happy. He didn’t want two weeks away from his friends and the Warblers. 

But alas, the time came, and he trudged through the snow to Amy’s car with Jeff, as she was giving him a ride home. Dalton was a “long drive” for his parents. Or some other bullshit they told him on the phone. “Thanks for the ride, Amy.” Nick said once he got in the car, Jeff piling in beside him.

“Of course lovebug.” Amy smiled, beginning the drive home. “How have you been?”

“Good. I wish we could stay.” He watched the school disappear out the window, sighing deeply.

Jeff snorted. “Only kid who wants to go to school on Christmas.”

Nick gave him a look, and Jeff nodded to show he understood his reasoning. He slid his hand over the seat to be close to Nick’s, leaving his palm open in case Nick wanted to take his hand. He did.

“You’re welcome to come over anytime.” Amy smiled softly. “Except Christmas Day. Jeff’s father is visiting.” 

Jeff’s hand pulled from his like lightning. “Dad’s coming on Christmas?”

Amy looked slightly uneasy. “Yes. He misses you and your brothers a lot. He has gifts for you.”

Jeff read like an open book, and this time was no different. He crossed his arms and moved over so he was pressed to the door, giving himself space. “I don’t want anything from him.”

“Jeff, please.” She said, barely audible. Nick watched the interaction silently. He’d never met Jeff’s father, but he hated him with a passion. He still remembered Jeff’s bruises. He didn’t want him anywhere near Jeff.

Jeff, who had at first protested, now softened. Nick knew he’d obey his mother’s wishes. He knew that Jeff didn’t want to disappoint her. “Okay.” He murmured.

They drove in silence the rest of the way back. Nick held his hand open like Jeff had earlier, offering it to him, but Jeff didn’t take it. He stared out the window with his jaw set.   
Nick didn’t know how to fix this. He thought longingly of Dalton, where everyone was free to be themselves and there was no threat of harm. When he got out of the car, he said his goodbyes to Jeff, and Jeff just nodded, giving a little wave. Nick lugged his duffel bag inside and greeted his parents briefly. His mother was on the phone, and she held a finger to her lips. His father asked him how his grades were. And then the interaction was over.

He shook his head as he went upstairs. He wished that he and Jeff had perfect families. He felt they deserved them. His bedroom was cold and immaculate, and he had the urge to pull his comforter off the bed and sweep everything off his shelves, ruining its pristine appearance. But he didn’t. He sat on the edge of his bed and took ten deep breaths. Two weeks, and he’d return to his real home. He prayed he made it that far.

\------

“I have a Christmas present for you.” 

Nick smiled when he heard Jeff’s voice over the phone, it had been three days since he’d heard it. That might not seem like long, but they were used to seeing eachother everyday. “I have one for you too.”

“Mine is the superior gift.” Jeff’s grin was audible.

“I guess we’ll find out. When can I see you?” Nick looked at his calendar. It was Christmas Eve. 

“Now? You can sleepover.”

“I can’t sleepover Jeff, tomorrow is Christmas.” Nick laughed softly. 

Jeff was silent for a minute. “Maybe I could come over tomorrow then? Later.”

He knew Jeff was trying to avoid his dad. He didn’t blame him. “Of course.”

“Okay, but you should come tonight too. I want you to have this gift.”

Nick smiled, nodding slowly. “I’ll be there soon.” 

He hung up, grabbing Jeff’s present and putting it in his backpack so he could bike over with it. His parents didn’t ask where he was going. He expected that at this point. He biked to Jeff’s house and arrived in good time given the icy roads, and Jeff answered the door before Nick had even made it up the porch steps. “I missed you.”

Nick laughed, entering the house. “You’re dramatic.” I missed you too. 

The house smelled like cookies, and felt like the heat was on a notch or two too high. But he liked it. “We’re exchanging right away.” Jeff said excitedly, bounding up the stairs to his room. Nick followed.

“Me first.” Nick was already opening his backpack, pulling out Jeff’s wrapped gift. 

Jeff sighed and smiled, sitting on the bed. “If you insist.” He unwrapped it carefully, laughing as he saw the first item. “Clip on tie. You know me too well.” 

“Now you don’t have to complain everyday about the choking grip of societal norms, or whatever you believe your tie symbolizes.” 

“Thank you.” Jeff smiled, putting it beside him on the bed. He pulled out the rest of the present, smiling gently. “A photo album. You cheesy fucker.”

Nick laughed, folding his arms. “Look through it.” It was filled with photos of the two of them. Amy had helped him track down pictures of them from middle school. Every field trip, every holiday they’d spent together, every adventure Jeff had documented with a disposable camera, it was in there. Along with about fifteen blank pages in the back. “That’s to fill with future pictures.” Nick explained. “I mean, given you still keep me around.”

Jeff smiled widely, studying the pictures closely. “I love this. Thank you.” He hugged him tight, and the way they were sitting on the bed made the hug closer. Nick didn’t mind that at all. “Okay, now your gift.” 

Nick pulled away, smiling. “I’m ready.”

Jeff handed him a bag. “If you don’t like it I can totally get you something else-”

“Shut up, I haven’t even looked yet.” Nick shushed him, opening the bag and tilting his head. Inside, there was a leather-bound notebook, and a bundle of ink pens. There was also a pitch pipe, and a stack of blank sheet music. “What-”

“It’s everything you need to write your own song.” Jeff watched him look through the contents. “Last year I got you a gift to remember me when you’re famous. This year I’m giving you your first step to fame.” It was perfect. It was personal and meaningful and it showed how much Jeff cared. He loved this boy. He was in love with this boy. “Nick?”

Nick realized he’d just been slightly gaping. “I love it.” He managed.

“Phew.” Jeff laughed. “For a minute there you had me scared.” Nick fell silent again. Jeff’s cheeks were slightly pink from the house’s warmth, and his hair had grown a little too long, falling over his eyes slightly. He was in a ridiculous oversize sweater that’s sleeves encased his hands. He wanted to kiss him. “Okay, see, you’re giving me the vibe this present was not what you wanted-” Jeff started with a little nervous laughter, and then Nick was saying it and his heartbeat was so loud in his ears he didn’t hear the rest of Jeff’s sentence.

“I’m gay.”

The words hung in the air. He didn’t regret them. Jeff blinked. “You’re gay?” He nodded slowly, heart still hammering. He knew he should probably explain a bit. But his mouth was dry. Jeff’s expression slowly turned to a smile. “Nick… thank you for telling me.”

“I- you’re my best friend. I wanted you to know.” His voice shook, and like always, Jeff’s hand was there to hold. He gripped it tightly.

“You’re my best friend too. And I love you no matter what. No matter who you like.” Jeff said softly, keeping eye contact with him. “Okay? Even if you told me you had a crush on that asshole Brett in our algebra class.”

Nick laughed breathlessly, a mixture of released adrenaline and relief. “I don’t like Brett.”

“Thank God.” Jeff was laughing too, and then they were both crying. Nick because he’d finally gotten this thousand pound weight off his chest, and Jeff because… well, Nick didn’t know why. But it was strangely intimate, to cry together, and eventually holding hands turned into a hug, where they just held eachother until the tears subsided and Nick felt lighter. “You’re really brave, Nick Duval.”

He’d done it. He’d come out to the person that really mattered. And he did feel really brave. And Jeff still looked at him the same. And he did end up sleeping over, because the rush of emotion exhausted him, and because he didn’t want to let go of his best friend and go back to his museum house. Home was right here, in the place where their fingers stayed tangled together.

\---

“Wake up, it’s Christmas.” 

“You are a seven year old.” 

Jeff only grinned. “I want hot chocolate. Come on.”

While normally Nick would keep up the banter, today he got up. He wanted to keep Jeff happy today. Somehow. “Fine, fine.” He texted his family to say he’d be home that afternoon, but it wasn’t a big deal. They were used to having him gone now anyways.

“Merry Christmas!” Jeff yelled when they got downstairs, his little brothers joining in the shouting. Amy laughed and hugged both him and Nick, but she looked tired. Anxious. 

“Your father wants you guys to wait to open presents until he gets here.” Amy smiled a little. Aaron and Jason complained about the wait, but they were excited to see him. They had been too young when he left to understand why he did. Jeff pretended he hadn’t heard. 

“Let’s make hot chocolate.” He urged Nick, and he followed him into the kitchen. Jeff boiled some water, and Nick watched him from the counter. 

“We can go to my house when he gets here if you want-”

“Mom says I have to spend time with him.” He said shortly. Nick saw the way his fingers tapped the counter nervously. 

“I’ll stay, then.”

Jeff glanced to him gratefully. “I just- what if he’s totally different now?”

Nick wasn’t as optimistic as Jeff, and he couldn’t really fake it. “Maybe.”

Jeff made the hot chocolate and poured it into mugs. “Maybe.” He repeated quietly. And then the doorbell rang, and Jeff dropped the vulnerability. Nick could practically see him put up walls, like he was retracting into a shell. His heart ached.

“Daddy!” His brothers yelled, and Jeff stayed in the kitchen, stirring the drink he’d already stirred.

“Jeff, come see your father.” Amy called, and Jeff walked from the kitchen briskly. Nick followed behind. He’d be right there if Jeff needed him.

When they walked into the living room, Nick was surprised to see that Jeff’s father looked… normal. Like Nick’s dad, really. Just with less expensive clothes. “There’s my Jeff.” His father grinned.

Jeff’s hesitation was tangible. He didn’t make a move to hug him, or even to get closer. “Hey, Dad.”

“Present time!” Aaron yelled, breaking the thick silence. Nick brushed his hand over Jeff’s and gave him a subtle nod. You can do this. 

They gathered around the tree to open presents. Jeff’s father, Ron, as Nick came to learn, had lots of stories of everything he’d done since he’d been away. Jeff nodded and didn’t offer any replies. 

Jeff focused his attention on Nick, talking to him while Amy and Ron spoke, and Nick was happy to be his distraction. Until the spotlight was on Jeff again. “So tell me the updates, kid. What’s been going on?” Ron smiled.

Jeff smiled a little, shrugging. “Nothing.” 

“How’s school?”

“It’s fine.”

Jeff was the most talkative person Nick had ever met. It was strange to see him out of his element, giving short answers. “Got a girlfriend yet?” 

Jeff shook his head. “Nope.”

“A boyfriend, then?”

The room was dead silent. Ron’s gaze dragged pointedly to Nick. He wished the floor would open up and swallow him. “No.” Jeff said slowly. “Nick is my friend.”

Ron pretended to wipe sweat off his forehead. “Good, that was a close one.”

Jeff tensed, and Nick felt it. “What?”

“You’re not gay. I was worried, that going to that all boys school might turn you.” Ron laughed, as if this was casual conversation. Nick felt himself going red. “But that’s not how Sterling men roll. You’re gonna be just like me and the men before us-”

“I don’t want to be anything like you.” Jeff said, and Nick brushed his hand over Jeff’s leg, trying to subtly calm him. He had never heard Jeff talk with such venom.

“Jeff-” Amy said softly, but Jeff cut her off.

“I think you’re disgusting. I thought I’d never have to see you again and I was glad. I hate that I’m related to you. If I grow up to be even slightly like you, tell me so I can off myself.”

Nick’s mouth opened slightly. Amy was frozen, and Aaron and Jason were mute, trying to gauge the situation. “Jeff, that is no way to speak to your father.” Ron said firmly. 

Jeff got up, dropping the present he’d been opening carelessly. “You’re not my dad.” He made a move towards his room, and Ron reached out for his arm. Jeff recoiled so fast he stumbled, throwing up his hands in a practiced defense. The fact that it was second nature made Nick’s stomach churn. Ron held his hands up like a surrender.

“I wasn’t gonna do anything.” 

Amy started to cry, which caused Aaron and Jason to cry, and Jeff left the house in a rush. Nick hurried to follow, going out in the cold with him. “Jeff, wait.”

Jeff had just a tee and flannel pajama bottoms on, and Nick was dressed similarly. It was freezing, and the wind bit his skin. But he kept up with his friend until they reached the sidewalk, where Jeff sat down and covered his mouth, crying so hard his shoulders shook. Nick sat beside him on the icy pavement and didn’t touch him, didn’t say anything. Just sat with him until he was done crying. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

Nick shook his head. “You were hopeful that he changed, anyone would be. That doesn’t make you stupid.”

Jeff’s wet lashes looked frozen, and his cheeks and nose were chapped. He looked just as beautiful as he had in his bedroom last night. “I’m not gonna be like him. I’m not. I’m not gonna hit anyone. I’m not gonna leave my family. I’m not gonna make my son feel like he fucked up and caused this whole mess.” 

“You didn’t cause anything.” Nick whispered, and Jeff rubbed his eyes, starting to shiver.

“I’m sorry he said that. About being gay.”

Nick touched Jeff’s arm. “Don’t apologize for him. You’re right, you’re not like him. You don’t have to take responsibility for his shit.” 

Jeff moved closer to him, their sides pressing together for warmth. “Still.” He muttered. His head rested on Nick’s shoulder, and it felt right. They were both comforted by the other’s presence. They didn’t need to talk about what happened anymore. Nick’s heart broke for Jeff; over the fact that he was so used to dodging swings he’d expected one today. He knew Jeff hated that Nick had seen him do it, because it showed just how often his father had been terrible to him, and Jeff never spoke about it. They both had learned about eachother. Nick, and who he loved. Jeff, and who he didn’t want to.

Eventually, it got too cold to stay outside, and they went back in, thawing in the living room. His father was nowhere to be seen. They put on an old Christmas movie, and they stayed cuddled up to eachother. For warmth, Jeff had said. Nick pretended like he believed that was the reason, and held his hand. 

They had their hot chocolate, and somewhere in the middle of Rudolph, Jeff was snoring, head on his shoulder again. Nick was so caught up in watching Jeff’s chest rise and fall he didn’t notice Amy come in.

“I’m sorry.”

Nick looked up, shaking his head a little. “Jeff is probably the one who needs to hear that.”

Amy sank down on the opposite couch, putting her head in her hands. “I couldn’t afford Christmas presents this year. Ron told me he’d buy them for the kids if he could stop by and watch them open the gifts.” She shook her head, chewing on her thumbnail. “I should’ve said no. I should’ve known… he hasn’t changed.”

Nick knew where Jeff got it from. His hope, his heart. Amy was the spitting image of Jeff in that moment, torn up because she’d seen the best in someone when it wasn’t there. Jeff was just like that. “You did what you thought was best.”

Amy wiped her eyes, laughing sadly. “You are beyond your years, Nick.” 

He supposed that could be true. But he’d been a realist since he could walk. “Growing up too fast sucks.”

Amy looked at Jeff’s sleeping figure. “Jeff grew up too fast.” 

Nick looked to him as well. “Yeah. But it made him a better person.” He thought of Jeff’s kindness, and the way he tried to lighten sad situations. The way he respected Nick and listened to him like no other fifteen year old was really capable of.

“You too.” Amy said, and Nick smiled a little, nodding slowly. “I know I say it a lot, but you are always welcome, Nick. And we don’t share Ron’s views here. I want this to be a safe space.”

He had thought Amy might think he was gay, and that part confirmed it. But he didn’t feel exposed, or scared. Amy was genuine. Nick did feel safe. “Thank you.” He said softly.

Amy stood, taking a deep breath and coming over to kiss Jeff’s forehead. “Did he like his gift?”

“Loved it. Thanks for your help finding those photos.”

Amy waved her hand. “Anything to help. I can’t wait to see what other adventures get added to those pages.” Nick smiled, rubbing his thumb over Jeff’s hand where they were joined under the blanket.

“Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big milestone for Nick, let me know your thoughts. Next chapter will be set at the start of their sophomore year, so be ready for a little time jump.
> 
> I mentioned "The Room Where It Happens" in this chapter, credit goes to Hamilton, I don't own it (Duh).


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